Australia Comes to US Aid, Readies 5,000 Kangaroos for Deployment to Syria

Are Highly Trained Kangaroos the Next Super Soldiers?

By Kennith Doglog

While it seems that most are split on whether Trump’s strike on Syria was the appropriate way to react to the chemical weapons attack in the area, Australia has vocally praised Trump’s boldness and has readied 5,000 of their most fierce kangaroo solders to be deployed to the region at the US’s command if need be.

By escalating the conflict in Syria, Trump may find himself entering yet another war in the Middle East. While most of the battles fought in the area are based on recent technology such as drones or air attacks, Australia believes they may possess the key to modern warfare: highly trained, militant kangaroos.

Militant kangaroos are not a new thing for Australia. They idea began in the 1980s as part of the “Colonel Kangaroo” program in which the Australian Army and local scientists began breeding kangaroos and training them to replace police officers within the country. They quickly learned that he large marsupials are far too vicious of creatures to keep around civilians so they dropped the project for a few years.

In the late 1990’s the idea was brought back, but this time because of the declining numbers in the army. They soon realized that kangaroos were the perfect soldiers. With their ability reach speeds of over 35 miles in an hour and the ability to not only jump high distances, but cover 25 feet in a single leap, it is a wonder they did not start this program earlier.

The kangaroos were taught human boxing techniques and basic hand to hand combat from birth, and by the age of two had the ability to kill any human with their powerful kicks. Once they knew how to fight with nothing, the Australian army began to teach them how to shoot a gun and throw grenades, which they keep in their pouches.

In an attempt to avoid human right activist group protests, the Australian government has kept the new and improved “Major Kangaroo” project a secret until now, and with good reason. The final step for the kangaroo soldiers was implementing cameras on their heads and explosives deep into their pouches so if anything was to go wrong, a human soldier could see it at a safe remote location and choose to detonate the kangaroo at any time destroying everything within a 50-yard radius. 

The kangaroo soldiers have been ready to deploy since 2004, however since Australia is so far from everything they have not been in any major conflict and have not had to use them at all. With a possible war boiling in Syria, Australia has fully backed Trump and the US and is ready to deploy these marsupial super soldiers upon Trump’s command.