No One Left at Goldman Sachs As Trump Adds Entire Staff to Cabinet

Trump’s Definition of “Draining the Swamp” Makes Voters Question: Which Swamp?

By Kennith Doglog

Until early this week, more than 85% of Trump’s key executive branch positions were left unfilled. This was resolved, however, when Trump decided that rather than do excessive research on his own he would simply hire the entire Goldman Sachs staff to run the government for him.

The news came as a surprise to many employees at Goldman Sachs, as Trump stole everyone from the C-Suite executives and deadbeat accountants to first week interns. He even offered to pay for moving and living expenses for the first three months for every employee; at the tax payer’s expense, of course.

Trump even went as far as to fill cabinet positions he already filled, since they seemed so unimportant to him that he forgot he filled them. Judy Greebly, a 19-year-old finance intern from Bridgeport, CT, attended training on the first day with a red delicious apple she brought for breakfast. Trump saw this shiny red fruit, a foreign object to the McDonalds loving behemoth, and decided that Greebly’s knowledge of fruits and vegetables most likely surpassed the man he had appointed for Secretary of Agriculture’s since he did not have any fruit when they met.

“I decided to appoint Greebly to Secretary of Agriculture right then and there,” Trump said. “How polished and vibrant that thing was; it was clear to me that this girl knew how to farm. I doesn’t matter to me that I already told someone they could have that job. I don’t even remember the guy’s name. He means nothing to me. She knows her fruit better, and that’s all that matters to me. That’s how this administration is being run.”

The rest of the Goldman Sachs employees were assigned a position not based on their skills, but rather on an eenie, meenie, miney, mo Presidential decree. It has worked out for some who have moved up considerably, while others complain their knowledge and experience is being wasted ordering Big Macs for the White House staff.

While some Goldman Sachs employees are having a tough time adjusting to life in the nation’s capital, New York was happy to watch them abandon their downtown office. Trump offered each employee such a good deal that no one considered what would happen to Goldman Sachs when they left. Many employees have even said that they just assumed that they were the only one to get an offer from Trump, and their work would just be handed down to the person below them. This was not the case, however, as every single employee was offered and took a job.

“It’s amazing to see the difference in just one day,” Sherry Tela, a stock broker who works across the street from the abandoned Lower Manhattan office, said. “It’s like a ghost town over there. The entire building was raided at about 10 this morning, and people are out selling stolen chairs and office supplies in the streets. I myself bought an industrial strength printer for $10 from a toothless bum around the block.”

Squatters have taken advantage of the abandoned Goldman Sachs headquarters, and by noon the C-Suite offices were all claimed by local vagabonds. These poets, painters, and musicians plan to make a new life for themselves in the spacious Lower Manhattan skyscraper, living rent and worry free. Ironically, the kind of behavior the former executives swore to try to end in American life now sees a renaissance in a space they themselves built.