Trump’s First Easter Egg Roll a Failure; Obstacle Course Too Difficult for Children

President Trump Decided to Make This Year’s Egg Roll Reflect Today’s Standards

By Kennith Doglog

Easter Sunday this year saw President Trump carry out 139-year-old tradition of having children race around the White House lawn with eggs on wooden spoons for the adult’s sick amusement. However, this year was a bit different when Trump decided to update the game to align with his view of modern America.

Unlike other years where children dressed in their Easter best, picked up their favorite wooden spoon, and ran as fast as they could with the colorful egg they hard boiled and painted the night before, Trump decided to alter the rules a bit. The race was no longer a straight line to the finish, but rather an elaborate obstacle course. Additionally, the eggs were not to be hard boiled and the requirements were “white eggs only.” The spoons were to remain the same, however, because who doesn’t love a nice wooden spoon.

“We need these events to reflect what we are as a society,” Trump said. “I’m tired of all of these kids getting a trophy and eating their eggs for lunch because they can walk in a straight line. Anyone can walk in a straight line with a rock-hard egg, what’s so difficult about that? In the real-world eggs break, people throw dodge balls at you, and you might fall in a sandpit filled with toothpaste. The child who can get to the finish line with an unbroken egg in conditions like that will be the one who succeeds in life, and the others can do my laundry.”

As a result of the changes, the turnout was less than encouraging for the big white bunny. Trump seemed to be inattentive until the race began, and stopped watching when the boy he bet $50,000 on to win broke his egg after being smacked in the chest with a vodka-filled water balloon. No children finished the race, but they did learn a lot about what “Makes America Great.”

“Despite the turnout and no one finishing the race I thought the entire day was a success,” Trump said. “These kids are more prepared than they were this morning, and now the entire country knows that like isn’t just some walk in the park with an indestructible egg that you made to reflect your emotions. Life’s tough, it’s only getting tougher, and we as a nation need to be prepared. Happy Easter.”