Ben Carson Advises US to Drop Healthcare Plan and Invest in Magicians

After Seeing a Casino Magician, the Secretary of HUD Rethinks Medicine

By Kennith Doglog

While Ben Carson may be one of the most well-known neurosurgeons of our time, he has decided to take the hundreds of years of medical advancements and throw them out the window after seeing a second-tier house magician this Wednesday at an Atlantic City casino.

In order to get Carson out of his fake hair this week, Trump decided to put him up to an all-inclusive week at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. Trump had become exhausted by bad press for his administration not created by himself, so he deported the one man he knew could stir up Washington as much as he could with a single sentence from the nation’s capital.

“After those immigrant remarks, I just couldn’t do it any longer,” Trump said. “It’s one thing to think things like that or say them to your pals in the locker room, but you don’t say them on national television. You just don’t. I like the guy, love the guy, but for now, he’s gotta go.”

Despite having all his meals at any restaurant in town paid for, courtesy of tax payers dollars, Carson spent most of his night at the $4.99 hotel buffet before wandering into the nearly empty magic show while looking for the bathroom. There he witnessed “Frank the Great” perform a set of tricks including pulling a rabbit out of a hat, sawing his assistant, the wonderful 13-year-old assistant Leslie, in half, and numerous card tricks often used by drunk uncles to confuse preschoolers on family vacations.

The highlight of the night, for Carson, was when Frank brought him on stage as a volunteer and used heavy duty scissors to cut a rope in half, then miraculously put it back together without tying a knot. Having never seen a magician before, Carson walked out of the tiny theater a changed man and decided that the dark arts would be the way of the future every aspect of human life starting with medicine.

“Listen, you don’t understand,” Carson said, “I watched this man, a mortal, pull a rabbit right out of a top hat. I looked into the hat before and after he did it, and yet the rabbit still appeared. People need to see what these sorcerers are capable of. If they can use their talents to make tiny creatures appear with no government funded assistance whatsoever, imagine if we invested in these people. Within five years we would have the cure for cancer, polio, and homosexuality.”

Carson was supposed to spend a full week at the New Jersey casino, but decided to come home early believing to be on a mission from God. While Trump was furious about the move, he still met with Carson early this morning as a show of good faith. It didn’t take long for Carson to convince Trump that magic was the way of the future, and the two decided to take what was left of the renewable energy budget and put it towards the dark arts.