President Trump Has A Few Tricks Up His Sleeve to Honor the Gender That Explicitly Loathes Him
By Kennith Doglog
With people across the globe celebrating International Women’s Day, it would only be fitting that the President of the United States went out of his way to applaud the sex he does not understand. While his own way of honoring women may not be what the world was looking for, at least baby steps are being taken today to show that he did not completely forget about half of the population.
Trump started the day with a Tweet which expressing his respect for all the women around the US, however fact checkers quickly determined this to be a lie. Thankfully, that is not all he has done today to credit the thousands who make his life easier each day.
The first plan of action for the poor souls in charge of handling Trump’s PR was to make sure that he did not touch any women without their consent. To do this, they inserted a chip into the back of his neck which electrified him whenever he was within five feet of a vagina. Within the first hour, however, Trump began to get turned on by the shocks and would get even closer to women than usual, so they took off the shock collar and directed a member of the secret service to spray him with a spray bottle whenever he broke the agreement.
The next move for the Trump administration was to delegate some of the more, disgusting, chores to men to give his female housekeepers a break. These chores included changing his bedpan, cleaning the Kentucky Fried Chicken stains out of his bed sheets, helping him get dressed since he cannot put his underwear on by himself, and chewing his food for him. After just four minutes of being in Trumps golden room before 7am, a record high of six male housekeepers resigned.
The final gift Trump gave to women on this day was actually an idea thought up by the President himself. Though his aids advised not to, when Trump has an idea there is nothing that can stop him from having it reach the public. In an active of giving, Trump declared that woman may have and do whatever they want with the planet Neptune.
“I mean, what more can I do today.” Trump said. “I’m literally giving a planet to women. Not a small one either, Neptune is big, it’s huge. I really shouldn’t be doing this at all. Do you know what Putin is going to say when he hears about this? But I don’t care. You know, I really shouldn’t be giving it away. But I am, and we’ll let them have the planet to do whatever they want with. They can have all the abortions and birth control they want there, free of charge, but the Earth still belongs to me.”