Jeff Sessions’ Session IPA Not Actually an IPA at All

The Current Attorney General Tried Passing Off Russian Vodka as An American IPA

By Kennith Doglog

With recent news of the current Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, lying about speaking with Russia during his confirmation hearing, a deeper look finds he has lied about more than just speaking with Russians. He has also worked with them to create his patented Sessions’ Session IPA.

Sessions’ Session IPA has been sweeping the country with a thick bite and the draw that only two of the beers will get you so wasted that you can’t drive a tractor. The Attorney General has boasted endlessly that his beer is the best beverage to come out of Alabama since Old Man Wittney’s Peach Moonshine Mix, and is made from fresh, American hops picked by legal workers. However, recent leaks and an investigation by the Brewers Association of America has concluded that it is not beer at all.

“After two sips I knew it wasn’t an IPA at all,” Larry Chase, Secretary/Treasurer of the Beer Association, said. “Only an idiot would think that this clearly brown vodka could pass off as beer. I’m insulted that someone would try and pass this off as anything but cheap liquor.”

It is clear that Chase deserves the title he holds, as recent leaks revealed that the beverage is in fact vodka made by potatoes imported from St. Petersburg. Sessions has been having potatoes imported from Russia since early 2015, and has even been quoted attacking the quality of home grown, good ole Idaho potatoes.

He began by making his vodka in his downstairs bathroom after hearing you could make gin in a bathtub. Soon he was sharing his soapy beverage with neighbors and colleagues, who believed it to be a poorly made beer which got you very drunk, and they encouraged him to start selling it. Within a year, the Sessions’ Session IPA was sold in more than twenty states.

The lies told by Sessions have been popping up like the potatoes grown by his Russian associates, and top Democrats and GOP members have been asking him to step down as Attorney General. This week the coalition has also spilled over to the Beer Association, and they joined in and demand that he step down. They make a good point that anyone who lies about something as serious as a session IPA cannot be trusted as Attorney General.