3 Million Arrested After Jeff Sessions Misunderstands the Term “Jaywalking”

Sessions’ Lack of City Lifestyle Has Finally Intersected with His Fear of Drug Use

By Philbert Sullivan

Between the month of January and March more than 3 million Americans across the country have been arrested after Attorney General Jeff Sessions became confused with the term “Jaywalking.” Both cops and pedestrians are perplexed about this increase in nonviolent crimes.

Being from a rural county in Alabama, Sessions had never heard of the term jaywalking before. He is used to crossing whatever road at any time he’d like as long as there wasn’t a tractor coming or Terry the violent goat wasn’t waiting for him on the other side. However, after hearing New York City Liberal Mayor Bill de Blasio address it on television, Sessions was sure the term had to do with smoking pot or a “Jay” as his son’s friends call it.  

This absurd law has led to more than 3 million arrests nationwide as local police forces been given incentives to follow this rule by the federal government. For every 15 jaywalking arrest each officer makes he receives a Cornish hen.

“Honestly, it’s like arresting people for having an actual “J.” It’s dumb law and distracting us from real crimes,” said Officer Charles Boxen of the Cincinnati Police Department, “but these hens are great. It’s like eating your own little chicken. If you get 60 people for crossing the street at the wrong time, you’ve got yourself a dinner for four.”

Some cities, such as New York, have started declaring themselves sanctuary cities and have vowed to not comply with Attorney General Sessions order to arrest jaywalkers. In these cities they have real problems, and can’t spend such time and effort on something as insignificant as someone crossing a street at the wrong time, or even smoking a “J.” This has led to outrage from President Trump.

“These jaywalkers are endangering our cities and have to be stopped,” Trump said in his prime time address to the nation. “Listen, I didn’t make the rule. I’ve never seen anyone do this personally, I’m not an animal who lives on the streets, but I’ve been told its bad. And if Jeff says it’s bad, it’s gotta be bad. Real bad. I mean, if 3 million people have already been arrested it’s an epidemic. If cops don’t want to stop an epidemic like this then they’re not real patriots, and we should take their badges.”

In response to the address multiple protests of people lying in crosswalks have broken out over the country while the fate of jaywalkers everywhere is still in limbo. If you plan on crossing a street in the coming months, you’d better be sure that you are in a crosswalk.