From Bridges to Subway

Governor Christie Takes the Meat

By Kennith Doglog

Attempting to increase approval ratings and distract the public from all his depraved acts in office, Governor Chris Christie decided to do what every child pornography enthusiast does and became the new Subway spokesperson.

When the news that Subway was looking for a new spokesperson first came across the desk of Governor Christie in late December he oinked at the idea. The Governor of New Jersey had not eaten anything other than buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and sticks of his homemade extra-salted butter in well over two months. The idea that he would be the face (or half face, they can’t quite fit it all on the cups just yet) of a food chain that promoted wellness and actually served vegetables was utterly laughable. However, after his 1997 Honda Civic broke down in front of a Subway in New Englewood, NJ one cold January night he had no other option than to eat his third dinner at the popular sandwich shop, so he rolled himself to other side of the tracks.

“You know they make these meatballs there,” Governor Christie said, “and they actually aren’t half bad. It was my understanding that you went into one of these places and got a piece of lettuce on a gluten-free multigrain roll. When I saw they had real meat there I decided to give it a shot.”

Give it a shot he did. The 19-year-old Subway worker who served her antihero that night said she had “never seen anything so carnal.” The Subway ran out of meatballs in the matter of minutes, and within a half hour was completely out of deli meat. Luckily for the Subway they would still have vegetables to serve to customers that evening as not a single one was touched during the visit. Neither was any of the bread, as Christie reportedly ate all of the meat, hot and cold, from a giant tortilla sombrero he kept in his trunk in preparation for an impromptu deli meat spread. 

Subway CEO Suzanne Greco has yet to make a public statement about hiring Christie as their new spokesperson, however there have been plenty of rumblings regarding the move around their Milford, CT headquarters. The most prevalent rumor about the decision is that it is going to be a major social experiment thought up by the Trump administration. The idea is that if they get the Jabba the Hut look alike to shed some rolls and resemble a respectable human being he may be given more responsibility on a federal level.