Putin’s Second Attempt to Invade the US a Failure
By Kennith Doglog
Just two years after Russian President Vladimir Putin’s failed attempt at hang gliding to Alaska from Russia’s Big Diomede Island, the overly ambitious leader made a futile attempt at solely swimming from the island to Alaska only to be caught by border patrol almost immediately.
Most people living in the Northwest corner of the United States will recall that time President Putin, almost comedically, hang glided from Russia’s Big Diomede Island (an island located only three miles away from Alaskan US territory) only to crash into a large hill covered in snow he presumed to be the sky. The US let him off with a warning, as there was no real threat, and walked him back over the then frozen water that separated the two countries with his tail between his legs.
This time Putin decided to take an alternative route and swim the three miles in an area where the water separating the islands was not frozen. The burly president has always prided himself on his masculinity, and decided to show it the ultimate test by single handedly swimming into the US and trying to take Alaska as his own. Evidently there is not enough land in Russia to host his elaborate shoe collection. While most would assume he would be caught immediately, it took US border patrol about 15 minutes to apprehend the rouge tyrant.
“At first, we thought it was some sort of weird albino seal rapidly coming towards us,” Jim Hughins, one of the Border Patrol Agent responsible for capture, said, “but once we looked through the binoculars we realized it was just a bald little man.”
Putin altered between the breaststroke and butterfly stroke, relying heavily on the butterfly stroke, as he made a Phelps-like attempt at swimming the three miles in nearly record time for Russian. Once he pulled himself up to shore he shouted furiously at the sky and charged the three Border Patrol Agents awaiting his arrival.
“It was out of this world,” Hughins said. “I mean we had machine guns and bullet proof vests on, and this guy just came running at us in nothing but a flesh covered thong. We were advised to hold fire and subdue the target, but he threw us off for a second. No one wanted to touch him honestly.”
Once in custody, Putin began yelling in Russian for the polar bears he trained as his body guards to come and save him, but sadly, due to many of the president’s own actions, they were all dead. Putin was once again brought back to Russia and given a final warning. If he even thinks about putting his wingsuit on and gliding over to Alaska it will be the last thing he does.