Blue Mountains, Blue Balls

Trump Sounds Off on Size of Crowd in March of the Penguins

By Philbert Sullivan

Early this week, massive climate change protests erupted after Trump’s EPA administration put out a statement denying any affects global warming had on the environment, animals, and the case of beer he left outside the back door of the White House to stay cold.

The statement read as follows:

“Global warming is simply a thing of the past, the “earth” is clearly just not heating up. Period. Look, today it was 43 degrees, yesterday it was 43 degrees and guess what? Tomorrow it is supposed to be 43 degrees! If this so called global warming was real, you know what? The mountains on my Coors wouldn’t be blue. They’re not a light blue either. They’re as blue as the blue in the face of all the snowflakes out there saying there won’t be any more snowflakes. Well guess what. There are.”

Following these statements thousands took to the streets in response to the comments chanting slogans referencing new EPA admin Scott Pruitt, saying, “Hey Hey Pruitt Global warming is real and you knew it!”

Even SMACC (Snowmen Against Climate Change) showed up in the thousands outside of the White House. However, their protest did not last very long because the temperature did in fact reach 43 degrees. The low Washington sun forced the SMACC to retire back to the ground, sewers, and even some local freezers willing to host them. As they retreated they left carrots, coal, and top hats scattered around the White House lawn to indicate that this would (hopefully) not be the last of them.

When asked about the protests, Trump shrugged it off and said:

“There’s only a couple of people and a few snowballs out there, it is no big deal. It’s just like when the media would not stop covering the March of the Penguins. Just like the Women’s March- the media also lied about the crowd during the March of the Penguins. Hell, they even got their own documentary! That's not fair, I don't see the Marches of Hyenas getting a documentary!”

The protesters plan to continue their efforts until any progress is shown. The hopes are now that winter is coming to an end and that the slowly increasing temperature, though a reoccurring global trend, will convince the administration that it is something they should pay attention to.