Devos’ Chickenshit Hearing Prep

WHAT DOES SHE REALLY WANT? CHICKEN EDUCATION!!

By Derek Boboline

After nominee for Education Secretary Betsy Devos’ disaster of a Senate confirmation hearing, our intrepid reporting team discovered that she had, despite many pundit’s assumptions, actually prepared diligently for her hearing. So why did she not know the difference between proficiency and growth, among many other questions? Simply, like a student with the incorrect SAT practice book, she had prepped for questions that she was passionate about and assumed everyone else was too. In a word, she is a chicken fanatic.

Meeting Devos in her magnificent home, it quickly became apparent that she loved chickens. In fact, the entire front yard was a seething mass of poultry, clucking and bawking, beady eyes turned upon our reporters with a vacant, yet somehow unsettling glare as they parted before them to allow passage to the proud Corinthian pillars that flanked Devos’ door. As one’s hand reached up to press the doorbell, the reporters were amused to hear what seemed to be the crow of a rooster sound for the speakers and the hurried steps of Devos came to the door wearing a magnificent chicken suit, proudly stating it was “made entirely from the feathers of Rhode Island Reds!!”

After being graciously ushered inside, the reporters were given plates of wings and drumsticks, the hostess explaining that “no animal’s flesh carries the health or spiritual benefits than that of the fine barnyard fowl.”

Happily digging into the vast platters of perfectly cooked chicken before them, our reporters began asking questions about the hearing, only to constantly be deflected by answers about chicken husbandry and nesting habits from their feathered host.

Finally, Mrs. Devos stated “I am sorry I couldn’t answer all the questions those nice Senators asked, but I had believed their questions would be about the great and majestic chicken, king of fowls and the beaked. Why anyone would ask any questions about any other topic, is quite beyond me. BAWK!!”

“In fact, I spent weeks learning the difference between the Rhode Island Red, the Leghorn, the Silkie, and the Plymouth Hen in anticipation of this hearing,” Devos explained as she pulled out a bag of chicken feed from a closet, and upon tearing it open, began pecking the spilled seed. “I was- and still am- committed to the idea that our country’s future lies in our children knowing about these wonderful creatures and true genius comes from understanding their wise and graceful ways,”

At press time, Mrs. Devos’ neighbors heard something- human or fowl they couldn’t ascertain- crowing loudly and proudly at the break of dawn as a truly massive rooster climbed down the ladder of her barn to join the roiling sea of birds in the yard.