New Planets for Pruitt to Destroy Discovered

Since the Discovery of Trappist-1, Pruitt has Already Claimed Three of the Planets for Oil Companies

By Kennith Doglog

NASA scientist’s telescope recently revealed a large batch of Earth-sized, potential habitable planets around a single star, and within hours of the discovery EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt called “dibs” on the three largest ones for oil companies to drill.

While not much is known about the seven Earth-sized planets, it is possible that all seven could have liquid water possible for life. To most this means a galaxy of different possibilities from alien encounters to space diamonds to potentially finding a new home once our planet is destroyed by the Trump administration. However, the possibility of water also means the possibility of oil, and that is an opportunity Pruitt will not let slip through his fingers.

“I have only claimed three of these planets for American oil,” Pruitt said. “That leaves four other planets that the tree-huggers can have to smoke pot and play hacky sack. However, if it turns out that any of those smaller planets have oil we also claim them for Democracy and American idealism”

While most people simply laugh about the idea that Pruitt has claimed ownership of planets that he will never make it to in his lifetime or may already have owners, it is certainly something that should not be taken lightly. Scientists are outraged at the idea that a person who spends more time destroying our planet than raising his children has unrightfully claimed another planet to devastate.

“We will not stand for this,” Gerald Lowell, a scientist at NASA, said. “Pruitt has already done so much to this planet that it is physically impossible for us to save it. We will not allow him to conquer and destroy what hope we have left for the human species. It is time to fight back, and make negative T-shirts about him.”

Darren Woods, current CEO of ExxonMobil, was surprised to see Pruitt said he claimed three planets for oil companies. Woods believed the deal to be oil companies would receive two planets, while Pruitt would keep one for himself.

“It has always been a dream for Scott (Pruitt) to rule a cowboy-themed world,” Woods said. “Anytime I’ve been to his house we were forced to wear assless chaps, cowboy boots, and a ten-gallon hat. He always talked about how much simpler life would be if everyone was a cowboy, so when these planets were announced I assumed that was his plan for one of them. He even has a vintage sheriff costume he would break out once drunk and demand people do what he said and call him sheriff. If I were a betting man, I’d say there will be horses, not oil pipelines, on the largest planet discovered.”