Trumps New Initiative Focuses on Eliminating Sunshine for the Continental US
By Kennith Doglog
The days of sitting on the beach, reading your favorite book, and absorbing the sunlight may be limited. President Trump has decided to use the funds allocated to building the wall on the border of the US and Mexico to create a giant “super umbrella” that will block sunlight from shining on the continental United States.
While people used to argue about the positives and negatives of having a useless wall draped across the US/Mexico border, there seems to be very few people fighting for Trump’s new plan to shield the US from sunlight. While the news has not gone mainstream just yet as the president can apparently choose what he would like the public to know and not know, many small groups have already begun to develop to fight this supervillain-like idea. It may in fact be the one thing that finally brings the entire country together.
While few in Trump’s own administration support this, those who do are the pale, white old men who are often found yelling at said sun on a typical Spring day. Their argument is that too much sunlight will cause people to be too happy and distracted, thus limiting the amount of work “those cogs” can achieve in a single day.
Those in support have also pointed out the fact that parts of Alaska operate without sunlight for nearly three months and they are doing just fine. They say that this initiative will begin a rebirth of American wildlife starting with the Woolly Mammoth
While this information has not yet been leaked to the public, and there has not been an official press conference on the matter, a security tape has leaked from the White House featuring Trump arguing the topic with an unknown man:
Trump: I’m preventing cancer, can’t you see this? You know how many people get skin cancer from that big thing? Hundreds, thousands, millions. Billions of people every year are getting skin cancer, and maybe even breast cancer, I don’t know, from this prehistoric ball of fire in the sky. I’m just trying to bring the country into the future and save lives.
Unknown Man: But what you’re doing won’t save lives, it’ll probably end up hurting people. There are simply ways to prevent skin cancer already without spending taxpayers’ money on a giant umbrella.
Trump: You’re wrong, just wrong. I don’t have to listen to you. I’m the president. I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make it illegal to feed babies. Would you like that? Because it would be your fault if no baby had dinner tomorrow night.