New Trump Immigration Policy Targets Human, Animals, and Foreign Minerals

It’s Not Just Humans Making Their Way Across Our Border, and Trump Has Had Enough

By Kennith Doglog

With President Trump setting new guidelines that greatly increase the number of people targeted for immigration, a closer look at the legislation exposes harsher immigration policy on not only humans, but also for foreign animals that have recently crossed the border illegally.

It is well known that Trump does not get along with birds, lizards, people, and Mother Earth in general. However, until recently he has not directly attempted to rid our country of natural wonders which makes our nation so beautiful. Unbeknownst to most, the new immigration policy under Trump contains a clause which focuses on creating a team to rid the southwest of any foreign animals.

“It’s ridiculous if you really think about it,” Trump said. “These foreign birds are coming over here, illegally, drinking our bird’s water, flying in our air space, and living in our beautifully crafted bird houses. Listen, I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking, and these birds need to go. They’re even getting involved in our politics. You see that bird that bird that flew to (Senator) Sanders during one of his rallies. Socialist spy. That’s what it was, and I’m tired of it. They’re poisoning our great country, and it needs to stop. ”

Trump plans on releasing a team of border patrol agents with bean bag rifles to shoot down the birds flying in our airspace illegally. When it comes to foreign amphibians and mammals he has not quite figured out what to do yet, but he has been quoted saying it will have something to do with “a big hose.”

Additionally, Trump seems concerned with foreign geology. While most people would not care, or even think about, foreign boulders and rocks entering our country illegally, Trump is not like most people. He believes the Mexican government has been slowly leaving them inside our border to prevent Trump from building more hotels in the southwest. He plans on catapulting every single one back across the border as soon as the wall is finished being built.

When asked why this is such a pressing issue Trump stated that what he is doing will actually solve every problem the United States has had and will ever face. He believes that ridding the southwest of foreign animals and boulders will solve of our environment issues, which in turn will create a domino effect solving other issues, so he can just sit back and relax playing golf for the remainder of his term.