Kennedy Center Séance

Jackie's Ghost Speaks Out About Melania Trump's Inauguration Outfit

By Derek Boboline

This Friday, a group of surviving aides met in the Kennedy Center and performed a forbidden ritual that reached into the other side of the Void to contact the late First Lady, Jackie Kennedy.

After the smoke the burning of frankincense in a Red Sox cap filled the private room, words spoken that can be heard in the Realm of Eternal Rest. Everything was quiet and still until a strong wind blew open the windows and pulled the fragrance laden air into the chill Washington midnight, and out of the cap the previous First Lady slowly emerged, looking resplendent and serene.

As she stepped out of the hat and looked at her old friends and advisors, aged far beyond herself though retained the appearance of her youth, she sighed deeply and asked “Who has died? Ted joined us recently, and I thought Joe’s curse was set to expire after that?”

The aides hurried to reassure her that no one had died, but that they contacted her for guidance as to what they should do as a great crisis had occurred. They held no presumption as to the wishes of their great Matriarch. The cause of their distress: the striking similarity between Melania Trump’s outfit at the inauguration and Jackie’s own famous outfit.

Stilling the aged aide’s cries for vengeance with a steely smile, the remnant uttered in her soft voice, “Since I wore the blue dress of Lazarus so much better, I do not think death needs to befall this poor woman, rather I think she was merely asking for our help. In fact, I think she is aware of Donald’s true nature, just as I, and the others who rest with me, am. She desires the help of the Void, but knows not how to summon the Others and Myself.”

“For poor Melania’s salvation from the Golden Cheeto of Doom, she must perform the rite herself, tell her of the Sacred Cap and the Incantation HAVARDIUS SOXEN BOSTONIQUE FLABJAB,” the candles guttering at the sound of the forbidden words, “and instruct her to perform the ritual in the Lincoln Room with only a cat and bag of living lobsters, and I will show my glory to her and take again a new host.”

The ancient aides looked shocked at these instructions, and Grandmaster Ted Sorenson lowered his dark hood and asked, “My Lady, are you sure? Donald may be bad but a possession…”

“Yes Ted, dear, it will be terrifying, but it is far better than the Fate I have seen readying itself for her,” the specter sad, with a sad smile. “Perhaps the Others’ would like to join me… it has been far too long since the Roosevelts and Lincoln have walked free in this world…”

And the late First Lady then picked up the hat and put it on, slowly disappearing into it as it sank to the ground. The aides, ashen faced, said hasty goodbyes and were seen disappearing into the capital’s fog at press time.