Deformed Clone Demands Reparation for Years of Neglect
By Kennith Doglog
With the last couple of weeks feeling like a blurred dimension of absurd fantasy, President Trump has tried to conceal an outrageous number of potential scandals. Many of these are still in the closet, while others are blatantly exposed by the “fake news.” As more people demand Donald Trump help them out and work towards making their lives better, one man has stayed silent until now: his midget clone.
With oddly large hands and a permanent Cheeto glaze, “Trumpa Lumpa” as nicknamed by the scientists who incubated him, has been living the last 24 years living in a research facility in southern Florida. The cloning experiment was thought up and paid for by Trump after saving money for not paying the electrician who configured all the wiring for his outdoor movie theater and Go-Go dancing/hot tub area in his backyard.
The original plan was to have a small Trump to run small business around the country while Donald ran the bigger ones. Michael Simmons, scientist who oversaw the cloning process, said that Trump was very enthusiastic about the whole process and called him nightly to see how everything was going. However, when he flew down to see the finished product he was appalled by what was created.
“He left the lab enraged and violent,” Simmons said. “Despite us creating something that looked exactly like him, down to the last mole, he refused to pay us and told us to kill him. He told us that the face structure was off, the skin needed to be more white, there needed to be less fat and more muscles, and the hair long and flowing like a blonde stallion. It was as if he had no idea what he actually looked like.”
After many failed attempts at reimbursements on the project, Simmons finally cut his losses and decided to raise Trumpa Lumpa, or T.L. for short, himself in the lab. Due to Trump’s initially low IQ, it took much longer for T.L. to learn simple things such as sharing and basic math. When exposed to other children he mocked and abused them, often building a wall of blocks around anyone who was not white or orange. At 24 years old he only now reached the maturity and intelligence of a twelve-year-old girl.
With a fumbling comprehension on how the world works, T.L. has only recently decided to go public with his existence. He has demanded that Trump pay $350 million dollars for the years of neglect and emotional issues caused by being created. Additionally, he has demanded that the scientists are reimbursed for the costs of raising him with an added bonus to cover the cost of a clone made from the DNA of Genghis Khan and Keith Richard, just to see what happens.
When asked about and was shown pictures of the clone, who looks the eerily similar little Trump, President Trump denied that he had ever paid to clone himself.
“It’s ridiculous really,” Trump said. “I mean come on, if I were to make a clone of myself would I make it so ugly and orange? Nope, wrong. The thing would be huge. You’d be seeing it on skyscrapers. Every day you’d look up and wave to it, not looking down on that little clementine. There’s no need to take a DNA test because I know I’m right, and now you do too. That’s it. Case closed.”
Regardless of what Trump said, Simmons has promised T.L. to help him in his pursuit. However, when attempting to gain some DNA from Trump’s pillow all they retrieved was horse hair and mayonnaise. They plan on continuing their efforts until the truth finally comes out.