An Interview with the Woman Behind the Sketchy Man
By Kennith Doglog
With the recent resignation of National Security Advisor Michael Flynn resulting from allegations that he inappropriately talked about U.S. sanctions with a Russian official, and later misled Vice President Mike Pence about the conversations, news has come out that he has lied to trusted government officials about much more than originally believed.
Flynn resigned from his post believing that he had been able to keep a couple of skeletons locked in his closet, but an exclusive interview with his “wife” Lori Andrade, reveals otherwise. Below is an edited transcript from our conversation:
Kenneith Doglog: Thank you so much for meeting with me today, I know everyone and their gopher wants to talk to you.
Lori Andrade: It’s no trouble at all, honestly you are the only news source I can trust these days outside the Borowitz Report.
KD: Great. Well we really appreciate that you came to us. Let’s get started. How long did you know that your husband has been a Russian spy?
LA: Well let me start by saying two things. He’s technically neither my husband or a spy. The truth is he and “Vlad Putini” as he calls (Russian President) Putin are lovers and have been for years. They actually met on one of our first vacations to Moscow together when he went out to get ice after watching Home Alone for the third time that day. They ran into each other in matching “His” bathrobes, and I didn’t see him until the next morning. I was concerned about him, but we were in a foreign country and I figured he knew how to handle himself. I haven’t considered us married since, though the state may. As for the spy thing, that feeds right into the relationship with Putin. He has been lying about not knowing anything about Russia for years, secretly hoping he would get caught and sent over to live in Russia. Anything he told Russian officials had no impact on life in either country, he usually just made stuff up on the spot. He never really wanted to advance in the US government, but under the Trump Administration everything he did to sabotage his career ended up working out for him.
KD: That’s fascinating, so what has he done to sabotage the government?
LA: Oh plenty. I’d say the biggest thing is probably the wall though.
KD: So you’re saying he had a hand in the idea of building a well along the US, Mexico border?
LA: Oh heavens yes. He’s been pushing (President) Trump to build the damn thing for months now. He figured that eventually Trump would need a scapegoat for such a ludacris idea, so he could be that scapegoat and run away to North Korea.
KD: North Korea, don’t you mean Russia?
LA: Well Russia was the initial plan, but after nothing was working on that front he decided that he would just find a way to mysteriously end up in North Korea. The man truly does have a thing for fascist dictators. It doesn’t look like either of those are going to happen though and I’m going to be stuck growing old with the toe sucker.
KD: Well this is all very revealing about his personal life, but can you tell us more about his political lies?
LA: Absolutely. Let’s see; he is registered to vote in eight states, despite what he tells people he is neither a Democrat or Republican but rather homemade party he calls Flynnican in which he believes that zebras should be making all the important decisions based on which ways their stripes face when turned around six times, he’s never actually read the constitution, and he believes the Earth is flat. My favorite though is all the pranks he used to play on (Vice President) Mike Pence. He would come home all giddy and tell me that he would “accidently” drop his towel in the sauna with Pence and just start swinging it around his face comically trying to pick it up. Pence could never say anything because it seemed to be an accident, but I’m sure Michael’s “windmill” move made him uncomfortable.
KD: Wow, that’s quite a few truths to ponder. I realize you’re busy and appreciate you speaking with me, I hope you have a great day and good luck with everything.
LA: Thanks, you as well.
After the official interview was over, Lori demanded we also print this list of unrelated facts about Flynn to spite him for years of cheating and neglect. They are as follows:
- He only washes his body once a week, hands included.
- As a child, he believed his dog to be his father and his mother a statue of Charlie Chaplin for 12 years.
- He has never held a #2 pencil.
- He believes paying taxes is only for the poor.
- Despite flying multiple aircrafts throughout his life, he is actually colorblind.
- He meets Putin every November for a couple’s getaway in Bermuda, saying he is going on a “secret mission” and comes home with tan lines around his nipples.
- He believes France is the most superior country in the world.
- He doesn’t know how to ride a tricycle.
- Magic Johnson once threw a bag of carrots at him for sneezing on a birthday cake.
- He collects mice from under our house and makes them act out Off-Broadway shows in his garage.
- He once got kicked out of a Ziggy Stardust lookalike contest for wearing too much eye liner.
- He uses milk to wash our dishes instead of water because he likes the “cow juices.”