McConnell Banned From Snorting Pixie Sticks

Senator Mitch McConnell Gets Wonky After First Hit of Pixie Stick

By Kennith Doglog

While it is generally frowned upon for those holding public office to use illegal drugs, Senior Senator Mitch McConnell still managed to get his fix of exiting reality thanks to beloved eccentric fictional candy genius Willy Wonka.

Typically thought of as a straight-laced obstructionist to any bill that might have the slightest chance at helping women, children, or impoverished belly dancers, the U.S. Senate saw a different side of the Majority Leader early last Tuesday. After Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin saw McConnell come out of the bathroom with blue powder all over his upper lip and nose, McConnell flipped a desk to get the attention of the room. The room quickly became silent as the revved-up worm man began ranting about everything that was wrong with the senate floor. 

“The carpet is too sticky,” McConnell began as he sniffed frantically, “McCain spilled his diet Pepsi over years ago, and it’s still sticky!? I don’t want to walk on it. I know Cruz doesn’t want to. This is the most pressing issue we face today. How has anyone not brought this up sooner? I feel like I’m going to get my foot stuck in it and be trapped here forever.”

McConnell glared down at the floor then quickly ran to the bathroom after making such manic accusations. The senate floor remained quiet and confused for a few seconds until McConnell burst back in with a combination pink and orange powders all over his nose.

“It’s too much,” he rambled, “I feel like I’m living in a movie theater. We need to change this floor. Something HAS TO change.”

McConnell grabbed a pen and began stabbing at the carpeting in an attempt to rip it up. After being stopped by Senator McCain, who seemed proud at the mark he left on the senate floor, he continued to rant about how sticky he was, and then of paperclip thieves in his office, for another fifteen minutes until the obvious sugar high ran off. He then sat with his head down on his desk while the rest of the senate had the arguably the least combative debate in years. When later asked what was going on McConnell responded with “I’ve never been a pixie before and I don’t plan on ever being one again.”

The senate has since ruled that pixie sticks will be banned from all government buildings until further notice, and will be voting on the Marble Floor Act of 2017 later next month.