Chasing the Elusive Lorax
By Derek Boboline
During a Senate confirmation hearing today, Scott Pruitt, the Trump Administration’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, finally revealed his real goals, and long burning passion: hunting the Lorax.
The mysterious creature known as the speaker of the trees, or the Lorax as he is commonly known, has played a major role in environmental preservation in the United States since the early 1970s. People have always believed the creature to be a myth, like Bigfoot or Sarah Palin, however evidence has been slowly building up to reverse these misconceptions. Amid hurried calls for order, and Paul Ryan frantically searching the original Constitution to see if the speaker of the trees held a higher office than himself, the remarkable truth slowly came out.
Many years ago, both Donald Trump and Scott Pruitt were seeking a new business venture and decided to chop down a Truffula Tree. Their goal was to turn the soft and strong tufts sitting atop it into a line of men’s toupee, of which Trump was a vocal advocate. After the tree fell, a strange orange chinchilla emerged, with the most glorious mustache either had ever seen. This bipedal rodent claimed to be the Lorax, whom speaks for the trees, and launched into a longwinded hippie lecture about the value of nature.
Before the mobile mustache could get too far, the city dwelling and “critter hatin’” Trump seized the Lorax by the tufts of its mustache and begun swinging the hippie guinea pig in circles over his head, exclaiming “the hair!! I MUST HAVE THE HAIR!!” The orange ball’s mustache became separated from his lip and soared far over the neighboring town of Whoville. Trump then proudly placed the mustache upon his head as a toupee and promptly quit the joint venture, having gained the wig of his dreams.
Pruitt, however, confesses that he was entranced by this Lorax, and wishes to come upon it again not to befriend it, but to mount its head on his office wall thus claiming the fame of slaying the glorious Lorax. He has unsuccessfully searched all seven continents, in deserts and jungles, tundras, and reefs seeking this strange tree hobbit.
One day, upon searching a school library in Washington with a shotgun as part of an anti-bear patrol, he came upon an ancient document describing the Lorax and how to find him. He appears with the fall of the first tree, and will reappears with the fall of the last. To accomplish this, Pruitt needs the EPA to destroy not only the United States’ ecosystems, but also the world’s. He will vanquish the greatest obstacle to American business, the terrible Lorax.
The assembled Senator’s glanced at each other and decided that this man had a divine mission. By giving him Washington’s axe and Lincoln’s sword they confirmed his appointment. He was then escorted in a Hummer limo to the nearest tree, which he began hacking down with a radiant smile as a thick, light pink liquid foamed from his mouth.
At press time, Danny DeVito was seen paddling towards Canada in a barrel, muttering “Not again, not again, not again….”