Once again, A Tiny Piece of Paper May Save The World
By Kennith Doglog
Much Like President Nixon’s unprecedented psychedelic journey in late 1971 which led to the realization that sticky rice came from China thus beginning a formal, normalized relationship between the U.S. and China, President Trump recently went on a trip which may in fact save the environment from its biggest foe in the United States: Himself.
White House officials say that they started noticing abnormal behavior with the new president early Monday afternoon, but they just shrugged it off to anxiety from leading a country of people he has spent most of his life trying to alienate and abuse. After about 25 minutes, the newly elected leader of the free world became in awe of his tiny hands and started licking them, giggling to himself about “mozzarella toothpaste.” Suspicions forced the hand of the secret service to isolate the President to the oval office and temporarily suspend his Twitter account.
“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 31 years of government service,” one undisclosed aid said. “One minute the man is banning abortions and making plans to build oil pipelines all over the country and the next he’s shirtless with pudding on his nipples demanding to speak to Al Gore about making ice in a super freezer to give to the dolphins.”
While the President has not taken any questions, sources say the illegal drug was fed to him in his morning cup of Dippin' Dots Within three hours of the incident, he remodeled the oval office leaving nothing but his desk and creating a surrounding “rain forest theme.” Dozens of flowers and plants were imported from Brazil and the remainder of the day was spent by the President lightly touching, sniffing and gazing at the garden party he had created for himself.
Vice President Pence was called in at one point to try and stabilize the situation, but Trump refused to let him in until he “drank some of the Kool-Aid and took that huge bamboo cane out of his ass.” White house officials and the RNC have been scrambling since the incident to maintain order. However, they are not familiar with the unpredictably of the situation and have been keeping a safe distance from the newly enlightened President.
While this event may change the course of history and lead to a true renaissance of environmental policy (among other things), parties on both sides of the aisle fear that this may become a habit for the newly elected President.
“We just can’t have this stoned, whacked out billionaire running around doing whatever he wants,” Senator Chuck Schumer said. “I’m all for the proposed arts programs across the country, but once we have this man meeting foreign leaders I think we will need to see a change. He’s spoken numerous times about licking Putin’s bald head and I’m afraid it will create much more tension between the two countries.”