Today's Story: White House Fence Jumper Arrested: No One Gets In or Outs

Trump Aide Fleeing White House May Face Possible Jail Time for His Actions  

By Kennith Doglog

Despite the high bars, extra security, and spikes on top, people still think it is a clever idea to climb the White House fence. While Secret Security is accustomed to stopping those trying to break into the White House, they had their work cut out for them when they were ordered to stop a Trump Aid attempting to break out of the sinking swamp-hut.

Steven Fuller, a Trump aide, was tackled and arrested by the Secret Service late last night after attempting to flee from the White House. The Secret Service agents responsible for taking him down believed him to be a thief or criminal of some sort due to the frantic running and heated resistance, but were surprised to find that Fuller did nothing wrong.

Like most nights since accepting his position, Fuller was forced to stay for an aimless meeting that only put more strain on his already crippled marriage. Upon finishing a four-hour discussion on what kind of mustard to keep in the office mini-fridge which turned into the creation of legislation to put a higher tax on sunblock; Fuller became irate when he learned that his car was blocked in by one of Ivanka’s new custom Hummer limousines, and he would not be able to move it for another hour. Staff members recall Fuller muttering something under his breath then leaving quickly without giving the proper salute or bringing his new government-issued red armband.

“I guess he just sort of snapped,” one undisclosed aide said. “Things have been going pretty well for us as of late, so I’m not really sure what could have caused it. Hell, we just passed legislation which basically allows him to legally obtain insider trading tips; his life could not be better than right now. I’ll bet it’s that snowflake liberal wife of his. She always seems to put him in a bad mood; damn McCain supporters.”

While Fuller technically did not do anything wrong, the Trump administration is considering having him arrested and sent to prison for up to one year. They say that these kinds of outbursts are exactly why the American public do not trust their administration, and that it is time someone was held responsible for their rash decisions. When asked about the incident, Fuller had this to say:

“The people on the other side have it easy. I would have killed for a bike rack or home-brought milk crate to help get me started. That’s no normal fence. They must coat it down with coconut oil or something because it was nearly impossible to get a grip and it smelled like my attractive cousins.”