"Mittbot" Combines Presidential Candidate with A.I.

Mitt Romney the First to Embrace Quest for Computer Overlords

By Kennith Doglog

Years after losing the 2012 Presidential election to President Obama, a discouraged Governor Mitt Romney turned away from his failed traditional conservative philosophy to embrace those of the subtly rising computer overlords.

In an unprecedented move never occurring in United States history, or even that of the world, ex-President elect Mitt Romney turned his back on the party he once believed to be his own to look towards the future in unordinary way. The Governor was sought after by startup robotics company “Robrocracy” to combine the idea of artificial intelligence with an already popular political figure. After much discussion, Romney quietly agreed and believed it to be in his best interest to embrace the machines.

The procedure took only six hours and entailed the implantation of a chip containing data collected and newly being collected through a Google-hosted database. Romney, or Mittbot as the scientists have begun to call him, now has the access and ability to process all the information Google contains in the matter of seconds. The chip inserted is also constantly updating daily, requiring him to go into sleep mode for six hours every night.

“The crazy thing is, he now knows pretty much everything he needs to not only to win an election, but bring this world to peace,” Robrocracy CEO Terrance Wilmur said. “There is no need to fact check because he is constantly fact checking as he speaks. We believe it will also be easier to introduce the cyborg party to the public with a face they already know and somewhat trust.” 

However, the first steps to introduce Mittbot to the public did not go as smoothly as planned. The idea was to introduce him to children first, as most children have not yet had time to grapple with the deranged thought of one day bowing down to a computer overlord. Three children of varied age were let out into a yard with the cyborg, told that if they learned a new fact about American history they would receive free ice cream. However, the instincts of the children kicked in immediately and they were afraid to even go near the unnatural beast.

The geniuses at Robrocracy were baffled by the incident, and could not figure out why the mere sight of what looks like a genuinely stable human being terrified them so much. When asked for his opinion on the matter, Mittbot had this to say:

“There is no reason to be afraid of me. I am still a human as much as all of you are. I love my wife and my kids just the same.  I hope one day the world will embrace me for what I am, and I can go on to achieve my destiny as meatbag overlord.”

Trump Meets Midget Clone of Himself from Failed 1992 Experiment

Deformed Clone Demands Reparation for Years of Neglect

By Kennith Doglog

With the last couple of weeks feeling like a blurred dimension of absurd fantasy, President Trump has tried to conceal an outrageous number of potential scandals. Many of these are still in the closet, while others are blatantly exposed by the “fake news.” As more people demand Donald Trump help them out and work towards making their lives better, one man has stayed silent until now: his midget clone. 

With oddly large hands and a permanent Cheeto glaze, “Trumpa Lumpa” as nicknamed by the scientists who incubated him, has been living the last 24 years living in a research facility in southern Florida. The cloning experiment was thought up and paid for by Trump after saving money for not paying the electrician who configured all the wiring for his outdoor movie theater and Go-Go dancing/hot tub area in his backyard.

The original plan was to have a small Trump to run small business around the country while Donald ran the bigger ones. Michael Simmons, scientist who oversaw the cloning process, said that Trump was very enthusiastic about the whole process and called him nightly to see how everything was going. However, when he flew down to see the finished product he was appalled by what was created.

“He left the lab enraged and violent,” Simmons said. “Despite us creating something that looked exactly like him, down to the last mole, he refused to pay us and told us to kill him. He told us that the face structure was off, the skin needed to be more white, there needed to be less fat and more muscles, and the hair long and flowing like a blonde stallion. It was as if he had no idea what he actually looked like.”

After many failed attempts at reimbursements on the project, Simmons finally cut his losses and decided to raise Trumpa Lumpa, or T.L. for short, himself in the lab. Due to Trump’s initially low IQ, it took much longer for T.L. to learn simple things such as sharing and basic math. When exposed to other children he mocked and abused them, often building a wall of blocks around anyone who was not white or orange. At 24 years old he only now reached the maturity and intelligence of a twelve-year-old girl.

With a fumbling comprehension on how the world works, T.L. has only recently decided to go public with his existence. He has demanded that Trump pay $350 million dollars for the years of neglect and emotional issues caused by being created. Additionally, he has demanded that the scientists are reimbursed for the costs of raising him with an added bonus to cover the cost of a clone made from the DNA of Genghis Khan and Keith Richard, just to see what happens.

When asked about and was shown pictures of the clone, who looks the eerily similar little Trump, President Trump denied that he had ever paid to clone himself.

“It’s ridiculous really,” Trump said. “I mean come on, if I were to make a clone of myself would I make it so ugly and orange? Nope, wrong. The thing would be huge. You’d be seeing it on skyscrapers. Every day you’d look up and wave to it, not looking down on that little clementine. There’s no need to take a DNA test because I know I’m right, and now you do too. That’s it. Case closed.”

Regardless of what Trump said, Simmons has promised T.L. to help him in his pursuit. However, when attempting to gain some DNA from Trump’s pillow all they retrieved was horse hair and mayonnaise. They plan on continuing their efforts until the truth finally comes out.

Robot Manufacturing Union Saddened to Hear About Withdrawal of Puzder Nomination

Little Hope for Robots in Powering Down Job Market

By Philbert Sullivan

With the withdrawal of Andrew Puzder (CEO of CKE Restaurants) for Secretary of Labor, the future is growing more and more uncertain for an extremely small percentage of human American workers and a massive amount of robotic American workers.

Erox Odboid, head of IROBOTU (International Robot Operators Botnet Organizing Transamerica Union), was very excited to hear that Donald Trump signed executive orders making car manufacturers come back and produce cars in the U.S. While Trump touted that this would add more than 6,000 (human) jobs, Mr. Odboid pointed out that this would also create more than 500,000 new robot jobs.

This influx of jobs would bring many working-class robots who live in the literal rust belt back into the workforce.  However, Odboid was saddened to hear that pro-robot labor nominee Puzder withdrew his nomination.

Most American humans with the ability to process logical thoughts were delighted to hear of Puzder’s withdrawal. The withdrawal may mean a brighter future for low-income workers, as it may be a necessary first step towards raising the minimum wage and providing American jobs to American workers. Puzder has received criticism from both the left and right for hiring illegal immigrants at his restaurants, however much of the criticism from the right stems from the fact that they were not quick enough to cloak their blatant hypocrisy and shift blunder their to another issue.

Many blue-battery robot workers are enraged by Puzder’s withdrawal. When first learning of it Cyb Corion said: “Dun dun boop boop, bop bo beep, rrrrkkkkttt, shleeeg bop beep.” Corion lives in rural Michigan, has been out of a job since 2013, and has been forced to live off used motor oil he trades out of date circuit breakers for. His outrage mirror that of many machines in his area, it will most likely be the last time we hear such vulgar statements.

After being turned off then on again, Corion expressed how he would be excited to be building new cars, even if his human slave was not appointed Secretary of Labor. He even showed signs of hope that he could buy some new motor oil from Advanced Autoparts for a fancy dinner with his wife, a GE dishwasher, one day.

“I Love America” and Other Lies Told by Michael Flynn

An Interview with the Woman Behind the Sketchy Man

By Kennith Doglog

With the recent resignation of National Security Advisor Michael Flynn resulting from allegations that he inappropriately talked about U.S. sanctions with a Russian official, and later misled Vice President Mike Pence about the conversations, news has come out that he has lied to trusted government officials about much more than originally believed. 

Flynn resigned from his post believing that he had been able to keep a couple of skeletons locked in his closet, but an exclusive interview with his “wife” Lori Andrade, reveals otherwise. Below is an edited transcript from our conversation:

Kenneith Doglog: Thank you so much for meeting with me today, I know everyone and their gopher wants to talk to you.

Lori Andrade: It’s no trouble at all, honestly you are the only news source I can trust these days outside the Borowitz Report.

KD: Great. Well we really appreciate that you came to us. Let’s get started. How long did you know that your husband has been a Russian spy?

LA: Well let me start by saying two things. He’s technically neither my husband or a spy. The truth is he and “Vlad Putini” as he calls (Russian President) Putin are lovers and have been for years. They actually met on one of our first vacations to Moscow together when he went out to get ice after watching Home Alone for the third time that day. They ran into each other in matching “His” bathrobes, and I didn’t see him until the next morning. I was concerned about him, but we were in a foreign country and I figured he knew how to handle himself. I haven’t considered us married since, though the state may. As for the spy thing, that feeds right into the relationship with Putin. He has been lying about not knowing anything about Russia for years, secretly hoping he would get caught and sent over to live in Russia. Anything he told Russian officials had no impact on life in either country, he usually just made stuff up on the spot. He never really wanted to advance in the US government, but under the Trump Administration everything he did to sabotage his career ended up working out for him.

KD: That’s fascinating, so what has he done to sabotage the government?

LA: Oh plenty. I’d say the biggest thing is probably the wall though.

KD: So you’re saying he had a hand in the idea of building a well along the US, Mexico border?

LA: Oh heavens yes. He’s been pushing (President) Trump to build the damn thing for months now. He figured that eventually Trump would need a scapegoat for such a ludacris idea, so he could be that scapegoat and run away to North Korea.

KD: North Korea, don’t you mean Russia?

LA: Well Russia was the initial plan, but after nothing was working on that front he decided that he would just find a way to mysteriously end up in North Korea. The man truly does have a thing for fascist dictators. It doesn’t look like either of those are going to happen though and I’m going to be stuck growing old with the toe sucker.

KD: Well this is all very revealing about his personal life, but can you tell us more about his political lies?

LA: Absolutely. Let’s see; he is registered to vote in eight states, despite what he tells people he is neither a Democrat or Republican but rather homemade party he calls Flynnican in which he believes that zebras should be making all the important decisions based on which ways their stripes face when turned around six times, he’s never actually read the constitution, and he believes the Earth is flat. My favorite though is all the pranks he used to play on (Vice President) Mike Pence. He would come home all giddy and tell me that he would “accidently” drop his towel in the sauna with Pence and just start swinging it around his face comically trying to pick it up. Pence could never say anything because it seemed to be an accident, but I’m sure Michael’s “windmill” move made him uncomfortable.

KD: Wow, that’s quite a few truths to ponder. I realize you’re busy and appreciate you speaking with me, I hope you have a great day and good luck with everything.

LA: Thanks, you as well.

 

After the official interview was over, Lori demanded we also print this list of unrelated facts about Flynn to spite him for years of cheating and neglect. They are as follows:

- He only washes his body once a week, hands included.

- As a child, he believed his dog to be his father and his mother a statue of Charlie Chaplin for 12 years.

- He has never held a #2 pencil.

- He believes paying taxes is only for the poor.

- Despite flying multiple aircrafts throughout his life, he is actually colorblind.

- He meets Putin every November for a couple’s getaway in Bermuda, saying he is going on a “secret mission” and comes home with tan lines around his nipples.

- He believes France is the most superior country in the world.

- He doesn’t know how to ride a tricycle.

- Magic Johnson once threw a bag of carrots at him for sneezing on a birthday cake.

- He collects mice from under our house and makes them act out Off-Broadway shows in his garage.

- He once got kicked out of a Ziggy Stardust lookalike contest for wearing too much eye liner.

- He uses milk to wash our dishes instead of water because he likes the “cow juices.”

McConnell Banned From Snorting Pixie Sticks

Senator Mitch McConnell Gets Wonky After First Hit of Pixie Stick

By Kennith Doglog

While it is generally frowned upon for those holding public office to use illegal drugs, Senior Senator Mitch McConnell still managed to get his fix of exiting reality thanks to beloved eccentric fictional candy genius Willy Wonka.

Typically thought of as a straight-laced obstructionist to any bill that might have the slightest chance at helping women, children, or impoverished belly dancers, the U.S. Senate saw a different side of the Majority Leader early last Tuesday. After Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin saw McConnell come out of the bathroom with blue powder all over his upper lip and nose, McConnell flipped a desk to get the attention of the room. The room quickly became silent as the revved-up worm man began ranting about everything that was wrong with the senate floor. 

“The carpet is too sticky,” McConnell began as he sniffed frantically, “McCain spilled his diet Pepsi over years ago, and it’s still sticky!? I don’t want to walk on it. I know Cruz doesn’t want to. This is the most pressing issue we face today. How has anyone not brought this up sooner? I feel like I’m going to get my foot stuck in it and be trapped here forever.”

McConnell glared down at the floor then quickly ran to the bathroom after making such manic accusations. The senate floor remained quiet and confused for a few seconds until McConnell burst back in with a combination pink and orange powders all over his nose.

“It’s too much,” he rambled, “I feel like I’m living in a movie theater. We need to change this floor. Something HAS TO change.”

McConnell grabbed a pen and began stabbing at the carpeting in an attempt to rip it up. After being stopped by Senator McCain, who seemed proud at the mark he left on the senate floor, he continued to rant about how sticky he was, and then of paperclip thieves in his office, for another fifteen minutes until the obvious sugar high ran off. He then sat with his head down on his desk while the rest of the senate had the arguably the least combative debate in years. When later asked what was going on McConnell responded with “I’ve never been a pixie before and I don’t plan on ever being one again.”

The senate has since ruled that pixie sticks will be banned from all government buildings until further notice, and will be voting on the Marble Floor Act of 2017 later next month.

Pruitt’s Lifelong Hunt

Chasing the Elusive Lorax

By Derek Boboline

During a Senate confirmation hearing today, Scott Pruitt, the Trump Administration’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, finally revealed his real goals, and long burning passion: hunting the Lorax.

The mysterious creature known as the speaker of the trees, or the Lorax as he is commonly known, has played a major role in environmental preservation in the United States since the early 1970s. People have always believed the creature to be a myth, like Bigfoot or Sarah Palin, however evidence has been slowly building up to reverse these misconceptions. Amid hurried calls for order, and Paul Ryan frantically searching the original Constitution to see if the speaker of the trees held a higher office than himself, the remarkable truth slowly came out.

Many years ago, both Donald Trump and Scott Pruitt were seeking a new business venture and decided to chop down a Truffula Tree. Their goal was to turn the soft and strong tufts sitting atop it into a line of men’s toupee, of which Trump was a vocal advocate. After the tree fell, a strange orange chinchilla emerged, with the most glorious mustache either had ever seen. This bipedal rodent claimed to be the Lorax, whom speaks for the trees, and launched into a longwinded hippie lecture about the value of nature.

Before the mobile mustache could get too far, the city dwelling and “critter hatin’” Trump seized the Lorax by the tufts of its mustache and begun swinging the hippie guinea pig in circles over his head, exclaiming “the hair!! I MUST HAVE THE HAIR!!” The orange ball’s mustache became separated from his lip and soared far over the neighboring town of Whoville. Trump then proudly placed the mustache upon his head as a toupee and promptly quit the joint venture, having gained the wig of his dreams.

Pruitt, however, confesses that he was entranced by this Lorax, and wishes to come upon it again not to befriend it, but to mount its head on his office wall thus claiming the fame of slaying the glorious Lorax. He has unsuccessfully searched all seven continents, in deserts and jungles, tundras, and reefs seeking this strange tree hobbit.

One day, upon searching a school library in Washington with a shotgun as part of an anti-bear patrol, he came upon an ancient document describing the Lorax and how to find him. He appears with the fall of the first tree, and will reappears with the fall of the last. To accomplish this, Pruitt needs the EPA to destroy not only the United States’ ecosystems, but also the world’s. He will vanquish the greatest obstacle to American business, the terrible Lorax.

The assembled Senator’s glanced at each other and decided that this man had a divine mission. By giving him Washington’s axe and Lincoln’s sword they confirmed his appointment. He was then escorted in a Hummer limo to the nearest tree, which he began hacking down with a radiant smile as a thick, light pink liquid foamed from his mouth.

At press time, Danny DeVito was seen paddling towards Canada in a barrel, muttering “Not again, not again, not again….”

From Bridges to Subway

Governor Christie Takes the Meat

By Kennith Doglog

Attempting to increase approval ratings and distract the public from all his depraved acts in office, Governor Chris Christie decided to do what every child pornography enthusiast does and became the new Subway spokesperson.

When the news that Subway was looking for a new spokesperson first came across the desk of Governor Christie in late December he oinked at the idea. The Governor of New Jersey had not eaten anything other than buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and sticks of his homemade extra-salted butter in well over two months. The idea that he would be the face (or half face, they can’t quite fit it all on the cups just yet) of a food chain that promoted wellness and actually served vegetables was utterly laughable. However, after his 1997 Honda Civic broke down in front of a Subway in New Englewood, NJ one cold January night he had no other option than to eat his third dinner at the popular sandwich shop, so he rolled himself to other side of the tracks.

“You know they make these meatballs there,” Governor Christie said, “and they actually aren’t half bad. It was my understanding that you went into one of these places and got a piece of lettuce on a gluten-free multigrain roll. When I saw they had real meat there I decided to give it a shot.”

Give it a shot he did. The 19-year-old Subway worker who served her antihero that night said she had “never seen anything so carnal.” The Subway ran out of meatballs in the matter of minutes, and within a half hour was completely out of deli meat. Luckily for the Subway they would still have vegetables to serve to customers that evening as not a single one was touched during the visit. Neither was any of the bread, as Christie reportedly ate all of the meat, hot and cold, from a giant tortilla sombrero he kept in his trunk in preparation for an impromptu deli meat spread. 

Subway CEO Suzanne Greco has yet to make a public statement about hiring Christie as their new spokesperson, however there have been plenty of rumblings regarding the move around their Milford, CT headquarters. The most prevalent rumor about the decision is that it is going to be a major social experiment thought up by the Trump administration. The idea is that if they get the Jabba the Hut look alike to shed some rolls and resemble a respectable human being he may be given more responsibility on a federal level.

Invader Putin

Putin’s Second Attempt to Invade the US a Failure

By Kennith Doglog

Just two years after Russian President Vladimir Putin’s failed attempt at hang gliding to Alaska from Russia’s Big Diomede Island, the overly ambitious leader made a futile attempt at solely swimming from the island to Alaska only to be caught by border patrol almost immediately.

Most people living in the Northwest corner of the United States will recall that time President Putin, almost comedically, hang glided from Russia’s Big Diomede Island (an island located only three miles away from Alaskan US territory) only to crash into a large hill covered in snow he presumed to be the sky. The US let him off with a warning, as there was no real threat, and walked him back over the then frozen water that separated the two countries with his tail between his legs.  

This time Putin decided to take an alternative route and swim the three miles in an area where the water separating the islands was not frozen. The burly president has always prided himself on his masculinity, and decided to show it the ultimate test by single handedly swimming into the US and trying to take Alaska as his own. Evidently there is not enough land in Russia to host his elaborate shoe collection. While most would assume he would be caught immediately, it took US border patrol about 15 minutes to apprehend the rouge tyrant.

“At first, we thought it was some sort of weird albino seal rapidly coming towards us,” Jim Hughins, one of the Border Patrol Agent responsible for capture, said, “but once we looked through the binoculars we realized it was just a bald little man.”

Putin altered between the breaststroke and butterfly stroke, relying heavily on the butterfly stroke, as he made a Phelps-like attempt at swimming the three miles in nearly record time for Russian. Once he pulled himself up to shore he shouted furiously at the sky and charged the three Border Patrol Agents awaiting his arrival.

“It was out of this world,” Hughins said. “I mean we had machine guns and bullet proof vests on, and this guy just came running at us in nothing but a flesh covered thong. We were advised to hold fire and subdue the target, but he threw us off for a second. No one wanted to touch him honestly.”

Once in custody, Putin began yelling in Russian for the polar bears he trained as his body guards to come and save him, but sadly, due to many of the president’s own actions, they were all dead. Putin was once again brought back to Russia and given a final warning. If he even thinks about putting his wingsuit on and gliding over to Alaska it will be the last thing he does.

Blue Mountains, Blue Balls

Trump Sounds Off on Size of Crowd in March of the Penguins

By Philbert Sullivan

Early this week, massive climate change protests erupted after Trump’s EPA administration put out a statement denying any affects global warming had on the environment, animals, and the case of beer he left outside the back door of the White House to stay cold.

The statement read as follows:

“Global warming is simply a thing of the past, the “earth” is clearly just not heating up. Period. Look, today it was 43 degrees, yesterday it was 43 degrees and guess what? Tomorrow it is supposed to be 43 degrees! If this so called global warming was real, you know what? The mountains on my Coors wouldn’t be blue. They’re not a light blue either. They’re as blue as the blue in the face of all the snowflakes out there saying there won’t be any more snowflakes. Well guess what. There are.”

Following these statements thousands took to the streets in response to the comments chanting slogans referencing new EPA admin Scott Pruitt, saying, “Hey Hey Pruitt Global warming is real and you knew it!”

Even SMACC (Snowmen Against Climate Change) showed up in the thousands outside of the White House. However, their protest did not last very long because the temperature did in fact reach 43 degrees. The low Washington sun forced the SMACC to retire back to the ground, sewers, and even some local freezers willing to host them. As they retreated they left carrots, coal, and top hats scattered around the White House lawn to indicate that this would (hopefully) not be the last of them.

When asked about the protests, Trump shrugged it off and said:

“There’s only a couple of people and a few snowballs out there, it is no big deal. It’s just like when the media would not stop covering the March of the Penguins. Just like the Women’s March- the media also lied about the crowd during the March of the Penguins. Hell, they even got their own documentary! That's not fair, I don't see the Marches of Hyenas getting a documentary!”

The protesters plan to continue their efforts until any progress is shown. The hopes are now that winter is coming to an end and that the slowly increasing temperature, though a reoccurring global trend, will convince the administration that it is something they should pay attention to.

Devos’ Chickenshit Hearing Prep

WHAT DOES SHE REALLY WANT? CHICKEN EDUCATION!!

By Derek Boboline

After nominee for Education Secretary Betsy Devos’ disaster of a Senate confirmation hearing, our intrepid reporting team discovered that she had, despite many pundit’s assumptions, actually prepared diligently for her hearing. So why did she not know the difference between proficiency and growth, among many other questions? Simply, like a student with the incorrect SAT practice book, she had prepped for questions that she was passionate about and assumed everyone else was too. In a word, she is a chicken fanatic.

Meeting Devos in her magnificent home, it quickly became apparent that she loved chickens. In fact, the entire front yard was a seething mass of poultry, clucking and bawking, beady eyes turned upon our reporters with a vacant, yet somehow unsettling glare as they parted before them to allow passage to the proud Corinthian pillars that flanked Devos’ door. As one’s hand reached up to press the doorbell, the reporters were amused to hear what seemed to be the crow of a rooster sound for the speakers and the hurried steps of Devos came to the door wearing a magnificent chicken suit, proudly stating it was “made entirely from the feathers of Rhode Island Reds!!”

After being graciously ushered inside, the reporters were given plates of wings and drumsticks, the hostess explaining that “no animal’s flesh carries the health or spiritual benefits than that of the fine barnyard fowl.”

Happily digging into the vast platters of perfectly cooked chicken before them, our reporters began asking questions about the hearing, only to constantly be deflected by answers about chicken husbandry and nesting habits from their feathered host.

Finally, Mrs. Devos stated “I am sorry I couldn’t answer all the questions those nice Senators asked, but I had believed their questions would be about the great and majestic chicken, king of fowls and the beaked. Why anyone would ask any questions about any other topic, is quite beyond me. BAWK!!”

“In fact, I spent weeks learning the difference between the Rhode Island Red, the Leghorn, the Silkie, and the Plymouth Hen in anticipation of this hearing,” Devos explained as she pulled out a bag of chicken feed from a closet, and upon tearing it open, began pecking the spilled seed. “I was- and still am- committed to the idea that our country’s future lies in our children knowing about these wonderful creatures and true genius comes from understanding their wise and graceful ways,”

At press time, Mrs. Devos’ neighbors heard something- human or fowl they couldn’t ascertain- crowing loudly and proudly at the break of dawn as a truly massive rooster climbed down the ladder of her barn to join the roiling sea of birds in the yard. 

Pantsuit Nation

Hilary Clinton Shows Her True Colors 

By Kennith Doglog

Finished with politics for good, Hilary Clinton finally decides to follow her true passion with the very first reason she wanted to go into politics in the first place: the pantsuits.

In the coming months, the fashion world is going to see a considerable change, and it’s not Gucci, Prada, or Ralph Lauren that will be spearheading this futurist direction of cloths and linens. Clinton plans on releasing a new line of pantsuits with her company “HiL” in an attempt to create a less industrious trend for working women of 21st century.

“HiL” will create customizable pantsuits in every style, color, and size imaginable. The initial line will focus on the most basic colors of the rainbow and will diverge from there to obscure colors that one might find in the deluxe 152 box of Crayola crayons.

“I’ve always felt that the lack of colors in government and among female business leaders is something that needs to be seriously addressed, I mean everyone looks like they should be working in a futuristic dystopian chemical lab” Clinton said when asked about the unusual career move.

“As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to wear a pantsuit to work, and I knew that politics was my ticket to achieving that dream. But once I got to a place where I could wear them in public and be revered for my fashion choices it was unsettling how limiting the options were. That is why I’m starting “HiL.” I’m hoping it will encourage young girls to no longer disregard politics as a career choice because of how appalling the fashion trends are.”

Investors are already beginning to line up to support the push towards pantsuits. Some believe that it will not only become a trend in politics and high stake business, but also in day to day life for tweens and teens globally. In the past we have seen bell bottoms, mesh tops, yoga pants, and countless other fashion trends take off, none being as sophisticated or comfortable as pantsuits.

“That’s the great thing about pantsuits,” Michelle Kindler, a fashion writer from Vouge, said. “You can wear them almost anywhere at any time and still feel confident yet comfortable. I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t taken off yet, but sometimes you just need the right kind of person to lead a revolution like this.”

While the pantsuits are most commonly worn by women at business meetings when giving public speeches, this new line of “HiL” products will also be worn by both men and women, amenable for all occasions. They will initially come stylized as pajamas, hiking attire, and for general water park needs. In fact, even Bernie Sanders is hopping on his former rival’s pantsuit trend because of “just how damn good it makes me feel.” The future is looking brighter for both women and the fashion industry, and the with it “HiL”. 

Obaumatron Rex

Obama, Branson Start New Hip-Hop Label

By Kennith Doglog

Reports of President Obama gallivanting around billionaire Richard Branson’s private island wearing a backwards hat have been sweeping the news cycle in the last week, but details have come out that Obama was not there for a vacation in any sense of the word.

While most people who just spent the past eight years of their lives barely sleeping and constantly worrying about the fate of the free would probably take a break, the word “relax” does not seem to appear in President Obamas enormous, double spaced dictionary. Those who know him well state that since finishing his second term as president he has decided not to miss a beat (literally) and focus on a few projects that leading the country got in the way of. One of which happens to be finally releasing that mix tape we’ve all been waiting ever so patiently for.

Rather than doing it on his own and releasing video after video on YouTube like many up and coming artists, Obama decided to take advantage of his networking ability and recruit famous billionaire and founder of Virgin Records, Richard Branson. Within minutes of the call, Branson enthusiastically accepted the opportunity to become Obamas producer and invited him and Michelle out to his private island to discuss music, strategy, and purple kush.

“Honestly, I’m honored that I was the first person he contacted about his side Hip-Hop project,” Branson said. “We’ve met a few times at galas and fundraisers, but nowhere we could really talk and let our hair down. You wouldn’t know it by looking at him but the man can really get down, slap a clown, create sound, and hit that round- if you know what I’m talking about. Ha-ha-ha.”

Obama has been developing his mix tape since his time at Columbia University, where he and his buddy “Flip” used to sit on their stoop and rap and scat until dawn on weekend nights. There are no early recordings of these primitive rap sessions, but Obama has kept a journal of all his favorite lines with him since he moved to Chicago. He would often go back and reference many of these outta sight tongue twisters before giving important speeches to calm down, and would even go as far as never leaving the White House without it from ’09-’11.

“They used to call us Flip and Obo” Obama laughed “you see, he would throw down a little beat box and I would just roll with it. For a while it was pretty impromptu, but once we started getting good at it Flip left me to start working at what he referred to as a “dank chemical plant” and I never heard from him again. He thought he was going to be producing high quality LSD, but he actually just ended up being a janitor at a chemical plant.”

Since then Obama gave up on his dream until a couple of weeks ago, when he got in contact with Branson and decided to give it a more serious go. While they do not have anything recorded yet, Obama gave us a small sneak preview of a couple of the track names. “Orange Puss” “Tiny Nips/Tiny Hands” and “Gotta’ Take a Dump” are the first three tracks of the mix tape, which Obama believes to be very eloquent, yet down to earth. His first record will be under the artist name “Obaumatron Rex” and the album will supposedly be titled “Livin’ Downstream” which will be released early this Fall. 

Kennedy Center Séance

Jackie's Ghost Speaks Out About Melania Trump's Inauguration Outfit

By Derek Boboline

This Friday, a group of surviving aides met in the Kennedy Center and performed a forbidden ritual that reached into the other side of the Void to contact the late First Lady, Jackie Kennedy.

After the smoke the burning of frankincense in a Red Sox cap filled the private room, words spoken that can be heard in the Realm of Eternal Rest. Everything was quiet and still until a strong wind blew open the windows and pulled the fragrance laden air into the chill Washington midnight, and out of the cap the previous First Lady slowly emerged, looking resplendent and serene.

As she stepped out of the hat and looked at her old friends and advisors, aged far beyond herself though retained the appearance of her youth, she sighed deeply and asked “Who has died? Ted joined us recently, and I thought Joe’s curse was set to expire after that?”

The aides hurried to reassure her that no one had died, but that they contacted her for guidance as to what they should do as a great crisis had occurred. They held no presumption as to the wishes of their great Matriarch. The cause of their distress: the striking similarity between Melania Trump’s outfit at the inauguration and Jackie’s own famous outfit.

Stilling the aged aide’s cries for vengeance with a steely smile, the remnant uttered in her soft voice, “Since I wore the blue dress of Lazarus so much better, I do not think death needs to befall this poor woman, rather I think she was merely asking for our help. In fact, I think she is aware of Donald’s true nature, just as I, and the others who rest with me, am. She desires the help of the Void, but knows not how to summon the Others and Myself.”

“For poor Melania’s salvation from the Golden Cheeto of Doom, she must perform the rite herself, tell her of the Sacred Cap and the Incantation HAVARDIUS SOXEN BOSTONIQUE FLABJAB,” the candles guttering at the sound of the forbidden words, “and instruct her to perform the ritual in the Lincoln Room with only a cat and bag of living lobsters, and I will show my glory to her and take again a new host.”

The ancient aides looked shocked at these instructions, and Grandmaster Ted Sorenson lowered his dark hood and asked, “My Lady, are you sure? Donald may be bad but a possession…”

“Yes Ted, dear, it will be terrifying, but it is far better than the Fate I have seen readying itself for her,” the specter sad, with a sad smile. “Perhaps the Others’ would like to join me… it has been far too long since the Roosevelts and Lincoln have walked free in this world…”

And the late First Lady then picked up the hat and put it on, slowly disappearing into it as it sank to the ground. The aides, ashen faced, said hasty goodbyes and were seen disappearing into the capital’s fog at press time.          

Biden Caught Living Under Mike Pence’s Desk

Quick Game of Hide 'n" Seek Ends With No One Laughing

By Philbert Sullivan

Early this morning Vice President Mike Pence arrived at his office to find crazy-eyed former Vice President Joe Biden lurking under his desk. Reports say that Biden never actually left the White House after inauguration day January 20th, and has been living under the Vice Presidential Desk living off of Slim Jim's and Tang.

Pence was far from amused at the former VP’s actions as he brought nearly a dozen throw pillows from home to build a fort down there. When Biden reached out and told Pence that there was plenty of room for everyone, Pence told Biden that it was girls only and give him an interesting wink.

The road bump did not however stop Pence from continuing with his original plans for the day. He ignored Biden, who was now blowing a train whistle and wearing a conductor's hat, and began filling the desk drawers with hundreds of tombstones. When asked what the tombstones were for Pence replied, “each one of these represents a single dose of Plan B taken this year.”

After Secret Service was called, Biden finally left the White House after being lured out with promises of ice cream a free ride first class on the Acela to his home back in Delaware. Little did Biden know that the ice cream promised to him was actually the freezer bitten strawberry left in the back of the industrial strength freezer in the White House kitchen. After eating six cones in under ten minutes he just laughed at them and told them that he had been saving it since the day he moved in.

When questioned why he has been reluctant to leave, Biden responded:

“While I respect Pencey, I could not leave the White House without knowing whether or not Amtrak will continue to be funded in the Trump administration. Also let’s be real the guy is basically Satan, I feel terrible for the mahogany that will suffer through the man’s lack of coaster use. He loves the wood when it is still a tree, but as soon as it becomes a desk the guy has no heart.”

Trippin Trump

Once again, A Tiny Piece of Paper May Save The World

By Kennith Doglog

Much Like President Nixon’s unprecedented psychedelic journey in late 1971 which led to the realization that sticky rice came from China thus beginning a formal, normalized relationship between the U.S. and China, President Trump recently went on a trip which may in fact save the environment from its biggest foe in the United States: Himself.

White House officials say that they started noticing abnormal behavior with the new president early Monday afternoon, but they just shrugged it off to anxiety from leading a country of people he has spent most of his life trying to alienate and abuse. After about 25 minutes, the newly elected leader of the free world became in awe of his tiny hands and started licking them, giggling to himself about “mozzarella toothpaste.” Suspicions forced the hand of the secret service to isolate the President to the oval office and temporarily suspend his Twitter account.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my 31 years of government service,” one undisclosed aid said. “One minute the man is banning abortions and making plans to build oil pipelines all over the country and the next he’s shirtless with pudding on his nipples demanding to speak to Al Gore about making ice in a super freezer to give to the dolphins.”

While the President has not taken any questions, sources say the illegal drug was fed to him in his morning cup of Dippin' Dots Within three hours of the incident, he remodeled the oval office leaving nothing but his desk and creating a surrounding “rain forest theme.” Dozens of flowers and plants were imported from Brazil and the remainder of the day was spent by the President lightly touching, sniffing and gazing at the garden party he had created for himself.

Vice President Pence was called in at one point to try and stabilize the situation, but Trump refused to let him in until he “drank some of the Kool-Aid and took that huge bamboo cane out of his ass.” White house officials and the RNC have been scrambling since the incident to maintain order. However, they are not familiar with the unpredictably of the situation and have been keeping a safe distance from the newly enlightened President.

While this event may change the course of history and lead to a true renaissance of environmental policy (among other things), parties on both sides of the aisle fear that this may become a habit for the newly elected President.

“We just can’t have this stoned, whacked out billionaire running around doing whatever he wants,” Senator Chuck Schumer said. “I’m all for the proposed arts programs across the country, but once we have this man meeting foreign leaders I think we will need to see a change. He’s spoken numerous times about licking Putin’s bald head and I’m afraid it will create much more tension between the two countries.”