White House Fence Jumper Arrested: No One Gets In or Out

Trump Aide Fleeing White House May Face Possible Jail Time for His Actions  

By Kennith Doglog

Despite the high bars, extra security, and spikes on top, people still think it is a clever idea to climb the White House fence. While Secret Security is accustomed to stopping those trying to break into the White House, they had their work cut out for them when they were ordered to stop a Trump Aid attempting to break out of the sinking swamp-hut.

Steven Fuller, a Trump aide, was tackled and arrested by the Secret Service late last night after attempting to flee from the White House. The Secret Service agents responsible for taking him down believed him to be a thief or criminal of some sort due to the frantic running and heated resistance, but were surprised to find that Fuller did nothing wrong.

Like most nights since accepting his position, Fuller was forced to stay for an aimless meeting that only put more strain on his already crippled marriage. Upon finishing a four-hour discussion on what kind of mustard to keep in the office mini-fridge which turned into the creation of legislation to put a higher tax on sunblock; Fuller became irate when he learned that his car was blocked in by one of Ivanka’s new custom Hummer limousines, and he would not be able to move it for another hour. Staff members recall Fuller muttering something under his breath then leaving quickly without giving the proper salute or bringing his new government-issued red armband.

“I guess he just sort of snapped,” one undisclosed aide said. “Things have been going pretty well for us as of late, so I’m not really sure what could have caused it. Hell, we just passed legislation which basically allows him to legally obtain insider trading tips; his life could not be better than right now. I’ll bet it’s that snowflake liberal wife of his. She always seems to put him in a bad mood; damn McCain supporters.”

While Fuller technically did not do anything wrong, the Trump administration is considering having him arrested and sent to prison for up to one year. They say that these kinds of outbursts are exactly why the American public do not trust their administration, and that it is time someone was held responsible for their rash decisions. When asked about the incident, Fuller had this to say:

“The people on the other side have it easy. I would have killed for a bike rack or home-brought milk crate to help get me started. That’s no normal fence. They must coat it down with coconut oil or something because it was nearly impossible to get a grip and it smelled like my attractive cousins.”

Trump Revises Review of National Monuments, Vows to Honor His Own Legacy with Major Conversions

Rather than Give Protected Land Back to Big Business, Trump Plans Homage to His Own Great Presidency

By Kennith Doglog

After ordering a review of numerous national monuments in an attempt to sabotage the planet even further, Trump had a change of heart and decided that these lands should be preserved, but only if they preserve his legacy.

Towards the end of April 2017, Trump initially planned to review more than 25 national monuments to see if they could make more money using the land to drill for oil or natural gas. While the destruction of millions of acres of preserved lands is right up the alley of money hungry sociopath, Trump decided that he could find a better use of the designated land and monuments.

 “I’ve revised my review of the national monuments to include all them,” Trump said, “not just the big open oil pits covered with snakes in the middle of the desert. We’re gonna take a look at each monument individually and see what we can do to make them great again. This project, it’s gonna be huge. People are gonna be talking about it for a while, and they’re gonna see just how much better I alone can make this country.”

The idea came to Trump while he was watching Fox News and saw a clip of the Lincoln Memorial. At that moment, he decided that he has done more for this country in his first 100 days of his presidency than any other leader in American History. Naturally, his first revision became to cut the head off the Lincoln Memorial and replace it with his own head.

From there Trump looked at what national monuments would best fit his needs. Being a New York local, his eyes quickly turned to Randall’s Island, a small, park based island on the East River separating Queens and Manhattan.

“Randall’s [Island} is the perfect place for me to put my presidential theme park,” Trump said. “It’s gonna have everything; golden rollercoasters representing the economy before I came in, golden coffee cup rides, since this is America and we drink coffee not tea, and a golden Ferris wheel so big you can see Trump tower in the distance. Hell, we might even put a few of my towers on the island.”

While tax payers would have to foot the bill for the presidential theme park, Trump has set it up so he reaps all the profits from it himself. It would appear he has become so caught up with the idea and planning that he has completely forgot about the millions of acres of preserved land he initially planned on handing over to oil companies; a small price to pay for a theme park no one will visit.

No One Left at Goldman Sachs As Trump Adds Entire Staff to Cabinet

Trump’s Definition of “Draining the Swamp” Makes Voters Question: Which Swamp?

By Kennith Doglog

Until early this week, more than 85% of Trump’s key executive branch positions were left unfilled. This was resolved, however, when Trump decided that rather than do excessive research on his own he would simply hire the entire Goldman Sachs staff to run the government for him.

The news came as a surprise to many employees at Goldman Sachs, as Trump stole everyone from the C-Suite executives and deadbeat accountants to first week interns. He even offered to pay for moving and living expenses for the first three months for every employee; at the tax payer’s expense, of course.

Trump even went as far as to fill cabinet positions he already filled, since they seemed so unimportant to him that he forgot he filled them. Judy Greebly, a 19-year-old finance intern from Bridgeport, CT, attended training on the first day with a red delicious apple she brought for breakfast. Trump saw this shiny red fruit, a foreign object to the McDonalds loving behemoth, and decided that Greebly’s knowledge of fruits and vegetables most likely surpassed the man he had appointed for Secretary of Agriculture’s since he did not have any fruit when they met.

“I decided to appoint Greebly to Secretary of Agriculture right then and there,” Trump said. “How polished and vibrant that thing was; it was clear to me that this girl knew how to farm. I doesn’t matter to me that I already told someone they could have that job. I don’t even remember the guy’s name. He means nothing to me. She knows her fruit better, and that’s all that matters to me. That’s how this administration is being run.”

The rest of the Goldman Sachs employees were assigned a position not based on their skills, but rather on an eenie, meenie, miney, mo Presidential decree. It has worked out for some who have moved up considerably, while others complain their knowledge and experience is being wasted ordering Big Macs for the White House staff.

While some Goldman Sachs employees are having a tough time adjusting to life in the nation’s capital, New York was happy to watch them abandon their downtown office. Trump offered each employee such a good deal that no one considered what would happen to Goldman Sachs when they left. Many employees have even said that they just assumed that they were the only one to get an offer from Trump, and their work would just be handed down to the person below them. This was not the case, however, as every single employee was offered and took a job.

“It’s amazing to see the difference in just one day,” Sherry Tela, a stock broker who works across the street from the abandoned Lower Manhattan office, said. “It’s like a ghost town over there. The entire building was raided at about 10 this morning, and people are out selling stolen chairs and office supplies in the streets. I myself bought an industrial strength printer for $10 from a toothless bum around the block.”

Squatters have taken advantage of the abandoned Goldman Sachs headquarters, and by noon the C-Suite offices were all claimed by local vagabonds. These poets, painters, and musicians plan to make a new life for themselves in the spacious Lower Manhattan skyscraper, living rent and worry free. Ironically, the kind of behavior the former executives swore to try to end in American life now sees a renaissance in a space they themselves built.

Donald Trump Announces New Poverty Prevention Plan: “The PP Act”

Finally, Legislation Introduced to Ensure the Wealthy Remain on Top

By Guest Author: W. T. Fallon

In a press earlier conference today, President Trump announced a Poverty Prevention Plan, a piece of legislation designed to ensure the rich do not ever suffer the mundane life of the American middle class.

“Like many of you, I was disheartened by the economic disaster of 2008—obviously caused by President Obama,” he said in a press conference earlier today. “But anyway, I watched many of my friends from the country club lose all their money in the recession. It was tragic, a huge disaster! Have you ever seen someone listing a Ferrari on eBay? It was just heartbreaking. Unlike President Obama, I will never allow something like that happen on my watch. That's why I'm introducing my Poverty Prevention legislation, which I call the PP Act.”

Trump says his plan will address the root causes of economic downturns and poverty. “With the PP Act, no wealthy person will ever lose all their money to a housing bubble or a disaster of an economy. First, I'll implement bigger tax breaks for those making more than $500,000 a year, allowing the biggest producers in our economy to save more money for a rainy day. In the event that an economic crisis does happen—probably because of something Obama did—those same top earners will be eligible for an assistance program that I call my Real Initiative to Cure Homelessness, or R.I.C.H.”

The president adds this assistance program will only be available to top earners who make more than half a million a year, and who have suffered at least a twenty percent loss in their stock portfolio, or a fifty percent reduction in yearly income. “The program will pay enough so that top earners can keep their homes and cars. Never again will I have to watch my friends selling their Rolexes in a yard sale. But don't worry, my plan is good for everyone in America. When the top earners don't have to worry about paying their bills, they can concentrate on creating jobs and stimulating the economy.”

Trump admitted the plan will require an increase in taxes for the middle class and poor. “We all have to make sacrifices to prevent poverty. Additionally, in order to reduce fiscal stress on job creators, am signing an executive order to reduce the minimum wage to $5 an hour, so all poverty can be eradicated.”

 

Learn Moar About our Friendz:

W. T. Fallon believes if you can’t say something nice, you should say something funny and totally true. She has few marketable skills, but is highly talented in the areas of sarcasm, satire, and snark. For the past several years, she has written for the local Gridiron Show, and this year she started a blog called Sharable Sarcasm. The 2016 election provided so many opportunities for humor that she decided to write her first novel, a political satire called Fail to the Chief, which will be released in September. She was recently published on The Satirist, and has been writing for Humor Outcasts since September of 2016.

Polls Show Marine Le Pen Should Have Campaigned More in Wisconsin During French Elections

With Time Running Out, All That is Left to do is Hope

By Philbert Sullivan

As polls come in from the highly-contested French Election in 2017 one thing remains clear; Marine Le Pen should have campaigned more in Wisconsin.

If there was ever a more neglected region in the world in the political firestorm it would be in the Bermuda Triangle. America’s dairy land seems to be an unsucked nipple in recent elections across the globe, and political analysts are saying that Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers seems to be the one responsible.

“People just don’t want to campaign in an area where an all-star quarterback is struggling these days,” political analyst Jeremy Hundz said. “It might be a bit different if he had a ring or two and didn’t perform, but at this point it’s just sad and no one wants to address it.”  

Such Politics talked to over 2000 registered voters in Wisconsin between April 4th and April 20th. Among those 2000 only 4% have ever heard of Marine Le Pen and only 10% were even aware that there was an election in France today.

Le Pen has been campaign very intensely over the last month, but like American Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton she has failed to hold a single rally in the crucial swing state of Wisconsin, thus dooming her campaign. We will soon learn whether or not this blatant neglect of this cheesy region will be a crucial mistake for the candidate.

 

Tom Brady Skips White House Visit, Would Rather Party with Obama

Despite Recent Friendship with Trump, Brady Realizes Who the Cool President Really Is

By Kennith Doglog

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots Super Bowl LI Championship Team were invited to the White House by President Trump to celebrate their Super Bowl victory, but Brady decided to decline last minute citing he had “family matters to attend.” However, not an hour after the cancellation, Brady was seen boarding a private jet with plans to meet up with President Obama to party in the South Pacific.

As it is well known that both Brady and Patriots coach Bill Belichick are not only supporters, but also personal friends with President Trump, so it was shocking to learn of the sudden change of teams for the star quarterback. Initially the plans were to meet Trump on Wednesday April 19, however a 4am drunk call by Michelle Obama convinced Brady that he would be better off drinking martinis on a private yacht with Oprah and Tom Hanks rather than spend the day taking periodic naps with Trump and the Easter Bunny.

“For a while I thought Trump’s lifestyle was the way to go,” Brady said, three mimosas deep on his private jet, “but after seeing what Obama is up to post-presidency, it just seems right ya know. Why do I need to take my shoes off and sit on furniture covered with plastic talking about a wall that’s never going to get built when I could be naked doing beer bongs while Bruce-Fucking-Springsteen jams on the deck in front of me? I mean come on, this is why you go into sports.”

Belichick has yet to respond to the actions of his star quarterback, but other teammates seem to be disappointed by his abandoning. None of them are upset that he is ditching Trump, however they are all a bit disgruntled that none of them were invited. Brady reassured his teammate Julian Edelman that once he was “in” with the President he would begin to invite others along on their surreal excursions.

Trump, however, did not seem too pleased with Brady’s audible. While he did not condemn Brady for his actions, it is clear that he President was hurt.

“He’s an adult and can do what he wants,” Trump said, trying to hold back the tears. “Listen, all I can say is maybe by the time he gets back the laws will be a bit different, and he might have a tough time making it to New England for first few games of 2017. I’m not threatening him or anything, but I wouldn’t bet on the Patriots this year if I was into that kind of thing.”

Trump’s Leaked Tax Returns Reveal Hidden Birdhouse Obsession

Trump Ashamed of his Custom Birdhouse Collection, Among Other Things

By Kennith Doglog

The entire country has been in suspense awaiting the revealing of Trump’s tax returns, as he is the first president not to release them since the 1970s. While people were waiting to see if it would reveal any illegal doings or conflict of interest, many were disappointed to learn that the reason they were not released was not because of anything illegal, but rather out of embarrassment for the president.  

After having top lawyers look over the tax returns, the Democratic Party learned that Trump has not done anything illegal. The tax returns did, however, reveal an unhealthy obsession with birdhouses for the commander in chief.

As it turns out, Trump has spent more than $15.8 million on birdhouses since 2010. Hidden on a 200-acre ranch in Iowa, Trump pays nearly $2 million a year to maintain his collection and visits them quarterly. Since the obsession was revealed, Ivanka Trump spoke out in defense of her father’s cuckoo tiny village.

“He is very sensitive about his birdhouses,” Ivanka said, “and I think we should all embrace the love and devotion he has towards such an honorable hobby. As a child, I was not even allowed to go near “Ye Ole Feather Village” because it meant so much to him. I think this reveals a more human side to my father, and I’m glad this is finally public knowledge.”

The birdhouses range from $200,000 to $1.1 million, and have been created by many different birdhouse architects from around the world.  As it turns out, most of the trips oversea for Trump were to inspect or purchase new pieces for his collection.

While the village is about the size of an NFL football field, Trump has a strict “No Bird” rule as to not damage his assets. They are kept in a large greenhouse, which the exterior needs to be cleaned regularly to clean off all the bird blood from those trying to access the feathered paradise. Many of these deceased birds are later cleaned and cooked for the illegal immigrants maintaining the village.

Since the village has now become public knowledge, Trump plans to no longer hide his obsession and expand his collection. There may even be plans of creating a museum out of it one day.

Trump’s First Easter Egg Roll a Failure; Obstacle Course Too Difficult for Children

President Trump Decided to Make This Year’s Egg Roll Reflect Today’s Standards

By Kennith Doglog

Easter Sunday this year saw President Trump carry out 139-year-old tradition of having children race around the White House lawn with eggs on wooden spoons for the adult’s sick amusement. However, this year was a bit different when Trump decided to update the game to align with his view of modern America.

Unlike other years where children dressed in their Easter best, picked up their favorite wooden spoon, and ran as fast as they could with the colorful egg they hard boiled and painted the night before, Trump decided to alter the rules a bit. The race was no longer a straight line to the finish, but rather an elaborate obstacle course. Additionally, the eggs were not to be hard boiled and the requirements were “white eggs only.” The spoons were to remain the same, however, because who doesn’t love a nice wooden spoon.

“We need these events to reflect what we are as a society,” Trump said. “I’m tired of all of these kids getting a trophy and eating their eggs for lunch because they can walk in a straight line. Anyone can walk in a straight line with a rock-hard egg, what’s so difficult about that? In the real-world eggs break, people throw dodge balls at you, and you might fall in a sandpit filled with toothpaste. The child who can get to the finish line with an unbroken egg in conditions like that will be the one who succeeds in life, and the others can do my laundry.”

As a result of the changes, the turnout was less than encouraging for the big white bunny. Trump seemed to be inattentive until the race began, and stopped watching when the boy he bet $50,000 on to win broke his egg after being smacked in the chest with a vodka-filled water balloon. No children finished the race, but they did learn a lot about what “Makes America Great.”

“Despite the turnout and no one finishing the race I thought the entire day was a success,” Trump said. “These kids are more prepared than they were this morning, and now the entire country knows that like isn’t just some walk in the park with an indestructible egg that you made to reflect your emotions. Life’s tough, it’s only getting tougher, and we as a nation need to be prepared. Happy Easter.”

Australia Comes to US Aid, Readies 5,000 Kangaroos for Deployment to Syria

Are Highly Trained Kangaroos the Next Super Soldiers?

By Kennith Doglog

While it seems that most are split on whether Trump’s strike on Syria was the appropriate way to react to the chemical weapons attack in the area, Australia has vocally praised Trump’s boldness and has readied 5,000 of their most fierce kangaroo solders to be deployed to the region at the US’s command if need be.

By escalating the conflict in Syria, Trump may find himself entering yet another war in the Middle East. While most of the battles fought in the area are based on recent technology such as drones or air attacks, Australia believes they may possess the key to modern warfare: highly trained, militant kangaroos.

Militant kangaroos are not a new thing for Australia. They idea began in the 1980s as part of the “Colonel Kangaroo” program in which the Australian Army and local scientists began breeding kangaroos and training them to replace police officers within the country. They quickly learned that he large marsupials are far too vicious of creatures to keep around civilians so they dropped the project for a few years.

In the late 1990’s the idea was brought back, but this time because of the declining numbers in the army. They soon realized that kangaroos were the perfect soldiers. With their ability reach speeds of over 35 miles in an hour and the ability to not only jump high distances, but cover 25 feet in a single leap, it is a wonder they did not start this program earlier.

The kangaroos were taught human boxing techniques and basic hand to hand combat from birth, and by the age of two had the ability to kill any human with their powerful kicks. Once they knew how to fight with nothing, the Australian army began to teach them how to shoot a gun and throw grenades, which they keep in their pouches.

In an attempt to avoid human right activist group protests, the Australian government has kept the new and improved “Major Kangaroo” project a secret until now, and with good reason. The final step for the kangaroo soldiers was implementing cameras on their heads and explosives deep into their pouches so if anything was to go wrong, a human soldier could see it at a safe remote location and choose to detonate the kangaroo at any time destroying everything within a 50-yard radius. 

The kangaroo soldiers have been ready to deploy since 2004, however since Australia is so far from everything they have not been in any major conflict and have not had to use them at all. With a possible war boiling in Syria, Australia has fully backed Trump and the US and is ready to deploy these marsupial super soldiers upon Trump’s command.

Trump Readies a Nomination of McDonalds Employee for Second Supreme Court Pick

Trump’s First True Act of “Draining the Swamp” Seems to be Agreeable

By Kennith Doglog

President Trump nominated Benjie Bellson, a 28-year-old community college dropout, to fill a vacancy on the supreme court should another one occur.

While Republicans are currently in the process of going “nuclear” and bypassing a Democrat filibuster, Trump wants to have a backup plan ready.  Democrats immediately met with the McDonalds drive-thru worker during a break in his shift, and after careful consideration decided he was the right candidate for the job.

Bellson has always been known by his friends and family to be the fairest. Growing up, when his two younger siblings were having an argument about who got the last piece of cake he was the first to establish the “one person cuts, the other picks” rule to make sure no one felt shorted. As he grew older, his friends would often come to him to solve arguments in sports, debates, and even about where to go to dinner, making him one of the most trusted young adults in the D.C. area.

When Trump finally moved his golden suitcases from his supervillain tower in NYC to the White House, one of the few things he refused to part with was the sweet nectar of McDonald’s secret sauce. He would demand that his limo go through the drive through at least six times a day, whether he was in it or not. When Trump rode through and spoke to Bellson, he always had a fresh Big Mac ready for the overweight president, and when Trump wasn’t there he made sure to give him something he’d never tried, but was within his palate.

“The kids got a good head on his shoulders, and I think that’s exactly what we need right now,” Trump said. “I mean, he knows me, I’d like to think I’ve gotten to know him, and I’d like to find a single Democrat who opposes him. When my secret service told him I needed to be on a diet, though I didn’t agree, he took some of those green leaves they put on a burger, deep fried them, threw in some of those little red ball things, and covered it with some of the secret sauce... magnificent. It was absolutely magnificent. I think everyone should go out and try it. If he can get me to enjoy my diet, he can fix America.”

When Democrats heard about this nomination, they jumped at the idea to make a fool out of Trump, yet again. However, after meeting Bellson they were confounded to find they completely agreed with Trump.

“He really does have a good head on his shoulders,” Senator Charles Schumer said. “When I asked him what a suitable alternative to a Big Mac would be he suggested a Fish Fillet. I would have never thought of something so outside the box. That is the kind of thinking we need in the Supreme Court. Besides, he’s a man of the people and way better than anyone else that lunatic is going to nominate. I just hope we can get to the point where we can vote him in.”

While Bellson may never see the robes he was promised by Trump in the McDonalds drive-thru at 7am, both Democrats and Trump himself are holding their breath to see if the rouge cashier will make his way to the big league.

Leaked: Fox News Job Description

Have You Ever Wondered What it Takes to Work at Fox News? Now You Know!

 

JOB DESCRIPTION: Fox News Anchor

 

Reports to:

Chief Executive Officer, or if that is too much too handle no one. That was a test and you already failed. A Fox News Anchor reports to no one, and apologizes for nothing.

 

Position Summary:

Fox News Anchors are responsible for telling stories and informing the general public on what they see fit to. The position is a 24/7, as the news never stops. Inciting race and gender wars are a must because sometimes good news needs to be made rather than found on its own.  

 

Responsibilities:

Ultimately the task is to report on what is going on in the world, or whatever bubble of the world you would like to force on to the public. You will, however, be expected to stir the pot every once in a while, to remain relevant. To do this you must:

-Dispute the Black Lives Matter Movement at all costs

-Sexually Harass anyone or anything that does not have a larger penis than you (if you are a female, just defend what others have done and sit on a couch)

-Deny any science unless it is useful for your motive

-Report on fictional: bombings, scandals about liberals, ideas that people are trying to take away your guns.

-Demand slavery wasn’t as bad as liberal snowflakes say it was

-Publicly offend transgender people

-Treat the bible as fact

-Dispute climate change

-Defend President Trump’s tweets

-Promote oil pipelines and the destruction of the Earth because it will obviously, all grow back

-Insult people with disabilities

-Kick a dog

-Dispute the theory of evolution

-Tell poor people to “stop being poor”

-Continue to argue that Obama is Muslim

-Constantly contradict yourself

 

Success Criteria:

In order to be successful at this job it is essential that your name stays relevant at all costs. You can tell stories about President Obama plotting to assassinate Trump with a crossbow on February 31st as long as people support what you are saying. Sexual harassment cases against you and inciting race wars is always a plus.

 

Experience and Education:

-Minimum of Kindergarten education required (Pre-K if good with blocks)

-Must have incited at least three race riots by now. Riots must have a minimum of five broken windows and seven people in the hospital

-Must have grabbed an unknowing female by the pussy at least once a year since 18 years old

-Have been involved in a physical altercation with someone about the existence of global warming

-Grown up white and affluent

-Have never said the words “I’m Sorry”

 

Skills Required:

Speak English

Outrage Grows After North Ikea Launches 500 Billy Bob Bookshelves into Gowanus Canal

Battling Ikeas Create Even More Tension For New Homeowners

By Philbert Sullivan

Among deepening tensions between the two competing Ikeas in New York City, outrage has grown after what has become referred to as North Ikea, launched 500 Billy Bob Bookshelves into the Gowanus Canal.

For some backstory, North Ikea opened in 1999 in Manhattan shortly after the original Ikea opened in New York City in Brooklyn in the summer of 1998. Tensions escalated quickly among the two rival Ikeas as competition heated up after the great recession. Prices of hot dogs and soft drinks were consistently dropping for months, to the point where South Ikea was actually giving away buns when customers walked into the store.

While both home to Ikea products North and South Ikea have become known for their individual distinctiveness. North Ikea is known for its inhumane treatment of workers, often making employees work 90 hours per week. Shortly after the great recession, North Ikea closed most of its doors and would not let employees transfer to South Ikea, even cutting most of its electricity off (Pictured above).

However, while South Ikea thrived in Brooklyn, the North grew more anxious and started accusing the south of many incredulous claims. These claims ranged from accusations that the South Brooklyn Ikea wanted to infect the North with its gentrification hipster culture to overthrowing North Ikeas regional manager Kimberly Jon, or how most of us in the media refer to her - Kim Jon.

Kim Jon has been known to have an aggressive temper, and Ikea employees across the globe often avoid her. While Ikea’s corporate headquarters has issued memos to Kim Jon that her store does not align with their corporate culture, she simply ignores them and continues to do what she wants. As a result, Ikea has decided to put her on watch until her sales begin to drop- which has somehow not happened yet despite the Ikea’s ill reputation.

Tensions have escalated up and down between North and South Ikea since 2008. However, the most recent provocation of North Ikea firing 500 Billy Bob Bookcases into the Gowanus canal, which borders Brooklyn has led to condemnation from a whole host of other furniture carrying outlets including Target, Wal-Mart and even the Home Depot. While the intimidation tactic has been noted, there has yet to be any known retaliation by the other furniture carriers just yet. Hopefully things will calm down, but we will see what happens.

After PBS Funding Cut, Mary Berry & Paul Hollywood Film Sex Tape to Raise Funds

Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood

Pledge Drive, More Like Sex Drive!

After more than six seasons on PBS, the famed Great British Baking Show is in danger of production after Trump cut PBS’s funding. While NPR and PBS usually host pledge drives on TV and the Radio, this year, because the funding cuts were so extreme, PBS decided to take it one step further. After a massive online petition, the shows two famed judges have come to the rescue. After scrapping the idea of doing a bake sale to raise the funds (because what is this high school in 2011!) the two have decided to do a sex tape after more than 189 Million British Pounds were pledged on a GoFundMe page.

Details of the proposed sex tape are scant, but their are going to be 3 acts set up in the same way as the show itself: The signature opening scene, technal middle scene and finally the showstopper. And of course the shows two famed hosts will be narrating, Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins. Also, in keeping in fashion with the show, the sex scene will be shot in a big white tent.

What has been hotly debated is what to call the sex tape. Some rumors have leaked saying it was going to be entitled, The Great British Sex Show, but online fans were up in arms or the lack of creativity so users have submitted their own. Highlights are below.

  • The Great British Fuck Show
  • Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry Bake it ALL Off
  • Eclairs, More Like SexClairs
  • Cream My Puffs

While of course this is not actually happening, we must fight and resist the Trump Budget cuts. So please, share this article and share this petition because while we don't expect Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood to do a sex tape we do need to draw attention to the dangerous cuts to PBS, NPR and the rest of the arts funding that Trump has pledged to slash, Thank You.

 

Rachel Maddow Hiding Out in Cave After Releasing Trump’s 2005 Tax Returns

The Trump Administration Has Been Unsuccessfully Tracking Her Since Late Tuesday Night

By Kennith Doglog

Following her tweet releasing President Trump’s 2005 tax returns, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow retreated to the hills when word got out that the Trump administration planned on tracking her and making a public display out of her going against the White House.

The controversy of Trump not releasing his tax returns has been discussed since the voters demanded that the public see them during the presidential primaries, however until now they have not been released at all. Almost immediately after Maddow released the tax returns, a memo was sent out around the White House that she be detained and made an example of. While the memo was unclear about what that meant, many are speculating it to be some sort of tar and feathering in the D.C. town square based on how many chickens were brought to the White House later that night.

Maddow hopped into her ’99 Subaru and fled as soon as she heard word of the private memo, telling only a few trusted colleagues of her whereabouts so they could restock her with cliff bars and green tea if need be. One of which happened to be her long time special event co-anchor Brian Williams.

“Honestly, I’d be surprised if they found her,” Williams said. “That Maddow is a crafty one. She’s been preparing for a moment like this for years, and has been putting 5% of her annual paycheck into decking out her hideout cave. It really is a nice cave, it’s got everything you need from a customized LA Lakers minifridge to those wonderful sharper image massage chairs. I’m not sure why she didn’t do this years ago.”

The Trump administration have assigned 1,200 National Guard members and a team of police dogs to search for her. Based on interrogations with friends and family they believe her to be somewhere either in the Blue Ridge or Rocky Mountains. They are considering bombing the mountains and just getting rid of her all together, while hopefully finding oil under them, however they have yet to come up with a distraction for the public to pull that off.

Maddow’s family expects her to be in hiding for well over three months, providing Trump does not give up before then. They are confident that she will not be found, as she started the “extreme hide ‘n’ seek” club at her college, and was the school champion for all four years. Her mother believes that there are still people looking for her at the old campus library, which does not bode well for Trump.

3 Million Arrested After Jeff Sessions Misunderstands the Term “Jaywalking”

Sessions’ Lack of City Lifestyle Has Finally Intersected with His Fear of Drug Use

By Philbert Sullivan

Between the month of January and March more than 3 million Americans across the country have been arrested after Attorney General Jeff Sessions became confused with the term “Jaywalking.” Both cops and pedestrians are perplexed about this increase in nonviolent crimes.

Being from a rural county in Alabama, Sessions had never heard of the term jaywalking before. He is used to crossing whatever road at any time he’d like as long as there wasn’t a tractor coming or Terry the violent goat wasn’t waiting for him on the other side. However, after hearing New York City Liberal Mayor Bill de Blasio address it on television, Sessions was sure the term had to do with smoking pot or a “Jay” as his son’s friends call it.  

This absurd law has led to more than 3 million arrests nationwide as local police forces been given incentives to follow this rule by the federal government. For every 15 jaywalking arrest each officer makes he receives a Cornish hen.

“Honestly, it’s like arresting people for having an actual “J.” It’s dumb law and distracting us from real crimes,” said Officer Charles Boxen of the Cincinnati Police Department, “but these hens are great. It’s like eating your own little chicken. If you get 60 people for crossing the street at the wrong time, you’ve got yourself a dinner for four.”

Some cities, such as New York, have started declaring themselves sanctuary cities and have vowed to not comply with Attorney General Sessions order to arrest jaywalkers. In these cities they have real problems, and can’t spend such time and effort on something as insignificant as someone crossing a street at the wrong time, or even smoking a “J.” This has led to outrage from President Trump.

“These jaywalkers are endangering our cities and have to be stopped,” Trump said in his prime time address to the nation. “Listen, I didn’t make the rule. I’ve never seen anyone do this personally, I’m not an animal who lives on the streets, but I’ve been told its bad. And if Jeff says it’s bad, it’s gotta be bad. Real bad. I mean, if 3 million people have already been arrested it’s an epidemic. If cops don’t want to stop an epidemic like this then they’re not real patriots, and we should take their badges.”

In response to the address multiple protests of people lying in crosswalks have broken out over the country while the fate of jaywalkers everywhere is still in limbo. If you plan on crossing a street in the coming months, you’d better be sure that you are in a crosswalk.

Ben Carson Advises US to Drop Healthcare Plan and Invest in Magicians

After Seeing a Casino Magician, the Secretary of HUD Rethinks Medicine

By Kennith Doglog

While Ben Carson may be one of the most well-known neurosurgeons of our time, he has decided to take the hundreds of years of medical advancements and throw them out the window after seeing a second-tier house magician this Wednesday at an Atlantic City casino.

In order to get Carson out of his fake hair this week, Trump decided to put him up to an all-inclusive week at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. Trump had become exhausted by bad press for his administration not created by himself, so he deported the one man he knew could stir up Washington as much as he could with a single sentence from the nation’s capital.

“After those immigrant remarks, I just couldn’t do it any longer,” Trump said. “It’s one thing to think things like that or say them to your pals in the locker room, but you don’t say them on national television. You just don’t. I like the guy, love the guy, but for now, he’s gotta go.”

Despite having all his meals at any restaurant in town paid for, courtesy of tax payers dollars, Carson spent most of his night at the $4.99 hotel buffet before wandering into the nearly empty magic show while looking for the bathroom. There he witnessed “Frank the Great” perform a set of tricks including pulling a rabbit out of a hat, sawing his assistant, the wonderful 13-year-old assistant Leslie, in half, and numerous card tricks often used by drunk uncles to confuse preschoolers on family vacations.

The highlight of the night, for Carson, was when Frank brought him on stage as a volunteer and used heavy duty scissors to cut a rope in half, then miraculously put it back together without tying a knot. Having never seen a magician before, Carson walked out of the tiny theater a changed man and decided that the dark arts would be the way of the future every aspect of human life starting with medicine.

“Listen, you don’t understand,” Carson said, “I watched this man, a mortal, pull a rabbit right out of a top hat. I looked into the hat before and after he did it, and yet the rabbit still appeared. People need to see what these sorcerers are capable of. If they can use their talents to make tiny creatures appear with no government funded assistance whatsoever, imagine if we invested in these people. Within five years we would have the cure for cancer, polio, and homosexuality.”

Carson was supposed to spend a full week at the New Jersey casino, but decided to come home early believing to be on a mission from God. While Trump was furious about the move, he still met with Carson early this morning as a show of good faith. It didn’t take long for Carson to convince Trump that magic was the way of the future, and the two decided to take what was left of the renewable energy budget and put it towards the dark arts.  

Trump Celebrates International Women’s Day… His Own Way

President Trump Has A Few Tricks Up His Sleeve to Honor the Gender That Explicitly Loathes Him  

By Kennith Doglog

With people across the globe celebrating International Women’s Day, it would only be fitting that the President of the United States went out of his way to applaud the sex he does not understand. While his own way of honoring women may not be what the world was looking for, at least baby steps are being taken today to show that he did not completely forget about half of the population.

Trump started the day with a Tweet which expressing his respect for all the women around the US, however fact checkers quickly determined this to be a lie. Thankfully, that is not all he has done today to credit the thousands who make his life easier each day.

The first plan of action for the poor souls in charge of handling Trump’s PR was to make sure that he did not touch any women without their consent. To do this, they inserted a chip into the back of his neck which electrified him whenever he was within five feet of a vagina. Within the first hour, however, Trump began to get turned on by the shocks and would get even closer to women than usual, so they took off the shock collar and directed a member of the secret service to spray him with a spray bottle whenever he broke the agreement.

The next move for the Trump administration was to delegate some of the more, disgusting, chores to men to give his female housekeepers a break. These chores included changing his bedpan, cleaning the Kentucky Fried Chicken stains out of his bed sheets, helping him get dressed since he cannot put his underwear on by himself, and chewing his food for him. After just four minutes of being in Trumps golden room before 7am, a record high of six male housekeepers resigned.

The final gift Trump gave to women on this day was actually an idea thought up by the President himself. Though his aids advised not to, when Trump has an idea there is nothing that can stop him from having it reach the public. In an active of giving, Trump declared that woman may have and do whatever they want with the planet Neptune.

“I mean, what more can I do today.” Trump said. “I’m literally giving a planet to women. Not a small one either, Neptune is big, it’s huge. I really shouldn’t be doing this at all. Do you know what Putin is going to say when he hears about this? But I don’t care. You know, I really shouldn’t be giving it away. But I am, and we’ll let them have the planet to do whatever they want with. They can have all the abortions and birth control they want there, free of charge, but the Earth still belongs to me.”

Biden, Not Obama, Responsible for Wiretapping Trump Towers

President Obama Had Nothing to do With Wiretapping, Biden is Not So Innocent

By Kennith Doglog

President Trump has been accusing President Obama of wiretapping Trump Towers prior to the 2016 election with zero evidence, a move that pushes him even further above the line of paranoid lunatic. However, recent leaks have revealed that Trump isn’t as insane about this one as he is about literally every other thing, as Vice-president Biden has been busted tappin’ those hot wires.

It was revealed earlier today that Biden was in fact behind wiretapping Trump Towers, and not only phones in the executive suites. Biden would take the Amtrak up late Friday nights to begin his work, suspiciously telling friends and loved ones that he was taking a late-night class on how ice cream was made. He would then dress up as a bus boy, sometimes even performing their duties bringing bags up to rooms in exchange for tips, and break into each room one by one until the entire building was tapped.

When asked about the allegations, Biden openly admitted it. He said it began as investigatory work to figure out where the little shampoo bottles came from, but then became much more.

“It turns out they get those little shampoo bottles from the basement,” Biden said, “but I’m still not sure where those mini liquor bottles come from. But seriously, it was all in good fun. I’ve always kind of wanted to be a spy and do something that got my hands dirty, so when I saw how bad Trump was at keeping people out of places I just went for it. I feel like a white James Bond.”

Biden believes that this experience has changed him as a person, and has even considered buying a motorcycle and loitering out his local dry cleaner. In regards to the wiretapping issue, despite having his phone tapped for months, the only thing he learned about Trump is the fact that he always requests “those tiny lobster forks” instead of the regular ones for his meals.

Biden will not face any charges for his actions, as having to ride Amtrak and not discovering where the tiny liquor bottles comes from seems to be punishment enough to the Trump administration. With the leftover wire, Biden plans on making a sculpture depicting Obama holding a baby deer as a tribute to his good nature and love for Disney’s “Bambi.”

Jeff Sessions’ Session IPA Not Actually an IPA at All

The Current Attorney General Tried Passing Off Russian Vodka as An American IPA

By Kennith Doglog

With recent news of the current Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, lying about speaking with Russia during his confirmation hearing, a deeper look finds he has lied about more than just speaking with Russians. He has also worked with them to create his patented Sessions’ Session IPA.

Sessions’ Session IPA has been sweeping the country with a thick bite and the draw that only two of the beers will get you so wasted that you can’t drive a tractor. The Attorney General has boasted endlessly that his beer is the best beverage to come out of Alabama since Old Man Wittney’s Peach Moonshine Mix, and is made from fresh, American hops picked by legal workers. However, recent leaks and an investigation by the Brewers Association of America has concluded that it is not beer at all.

“After two sips I knew it wasn’t an IPA at all,” Larry Chase, Secretary/Treasurer of the Beer Association, said. “Only an idiot would think that this clearly brown vodka could pass off as beer. I’m insulted that someone would try and pass this off as anything but cheap liquor.”

It is clear that Chase deserves the title he holds, as recent leaks revealed that the beverage is in fact vodka made by potatoes imported from St. Petersburg. Sessions has been having potatoes imported from Russia since early 2015, and has even been quoted attacking the quality of home grown, good ole Idaho potatoes.

He began by making his vodka in his downstairs bathroom after hearing you could make gin in a bathtub. Soon he was sharing his soapy beverage with neighbors and colleagues, who believed it to be a poorly made beer which got you very drunk, and they encouraged him to start selling it. Within a year, the Sessions’ Session IPA was sold in more than twenty states.

The lies told by Sessions have been popping up like the potatoes grown by his Russian associates, and top Democrats and GOP members have been asking him to step down as Attorney General. This week the coalition has also spilled over to the Beer Association, and they joined in and demand that he step down. They make a good point that anyone who lies about something as serious as a session IPA cannot be trusted as Attorney General.

Trump Accidently Invites Trained Seal to Whitehouse for SOTU

In an Unfortunate Mix-Up, A Live Seal Was Brought to the SOTU Rather Than Anticipated NAVY SEAL

By Kennith Doglog

To say that President Trump’s first month in office was a bit rocky would be a nonsensical understatement, and things just seem to be getting worse for the administration (as well as the country) as the president’s team accidentally invited a live seal to the State of the Union Address rather than the intended NAVY SEAL.

The stage was set for Trump’s first public speech since his inauguration. Republicans were getting prepared to sit, then stand, then sit, then stand as their hands grew raw from clapping for hours while everyone else braced themselves to get through the night as if it were the yearly required visit to Great-Aunt Darcy’s retirement home to stay in the will. Everything seemed to be in place, until one of the guests of honor to be featured in Trump’s speech showed up: Lieutenant Dan.

While it is unclear who is to blame for the confusion, it is certain that someone will be fired for this horrific blunder. Lt. Dan Caspian, a NAVY SEAL, was to be honored by President Trump towards the end of his speech. However, just minutes before the speech was about to begin, a large tractor trailer from SeaWorld arrived containing a tank with one of their hottest attractions: a feisty seal named Lt. Dan.

“The entire thing is just a haze,” said Jared Licksmere, a member of Trump’s team designated to help oversee guest relations for the SOTU. “There were a few obvious warning signs. The excessive amount of water and buckets of dead fish requested by the Lieutenant were definitely the big ones. When his secretary asked if he would be required to do any stunts, everyone thought it was odd but just assumed that he would be doing some sort of NAVY SEAL skills boot camp run through or something.”

SeaWorld was delighted and astonished to have Trump honor one of their main attractions in his speech, so to ease the blow when they found out that they did not in fact want him anywhere near the joint Congress Trump agreed to take a few pictures with the wet lieutenant. He was then brought to the afterparty at the Marriot where members of Congress, both Democrats and Republicans alike, spent hours playing with him at their private pool party.