Tom Brady Skips White House Visit, Would Rather Party with Obama

Despite Recent Friendship with Trump, Brady Realizes Who the Cool President Really Is

By Kennith Doglog

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots Super Bowl LI Championship Team were invited to the White House by President Trump to celebrate their Super Bowl victory, but Brady decided to decline last minute citing he had “family matters to attend.” However, not an hour after the cancellation, Brady was seen boarding a private jet with plans to meet up with President Obama to party in the South Pacific.

As it is well known that both Brady and Patriots coach Bill Belichick are not only supporters, but also personal friends with President Trump, so it was shocking to learn of the sudden change of teams for the star quarterback. Initially the plans were to meet Trump on Wednesday April 19, however a 4am drunk call by Michelle Obama convinced Brady that he would be better off drinking martinis on a private yacht with Oprah and Tom Hanks rather than spend the day taking periodic naps with Trump and the Easter Bunny.

“For a while I thought Trump’s lifestyle was the way to go,” Brady said, three mimosas deep on his private jet, “but after seeing what Obama is up to post-presidency, it just seems right ya know. Why do I need to take my shoes off and sit on furniture covered with plastic talking about a wall that’s never going to get built when I could be naked doing beer bongs while Bruce-Fucking-Springsteen jams on the deck in front of me? I mean come on, this is why you go into sports.”

Belichick has yet to respond to the actions of his star quarterback, but other teammates seem to be disappointed by his abandoning. None of them are upset that he is ditching Trump, however they are all a bit disgruntled that none of them were invited. Brady reassured his teammate Julian Edelman that once he was “in” with the President he would begin to invite others along on their surreal excursions.

Trump, however, did not seem too pleased with Brady’s audible. While he did not condemn Brady for his actions, it is clear that he President was hurt.

“He’s an adult and can do what he wants,” Trump said, trying to hold back the tears. “Listen, all I can say is maybe by the time he gets back the laws will be a bit different, and he might have a tough time making it to New England for first few games of 2017. I’m not threatening him or anything, but I wouldn’t bet on the Patriots this year if I was into that kind of thing.”

Trump’s Leaked Tax Returns Reveal Hidden Birdhouse Obsession

Trump Ashamed of his Custom Birdhouse Collection, Among Other Things

By Kennith Doglog

The entire country has been in suspense awaiting the revealing of Trump’s tax returns, as he is the first president not to release them since the 1970s. While people were waiting to see if it would reveal any illegal doings or conflict of interest, many were disappointed to learn that the reason they were not released was not because of anything illegal, but rather out of embarrassment for the president.  

After having top lawyers look over the tax returns, the Democratic Party learned that Trump has not done anything illegal. The tax returns did, however, reveal an unhealthy obsession with birdhouses for the commander in chief.

As it turns out, Trump has spent more than $15.8 million on birdhouses since 2010. Hidden on a 200-acre ranch in Iowa, Trump pays nearly $2 million a year to maintain his collection and visits them quarterly. Since the obsession was revealed, Ivanka Trump spoke out in defense of her father’s cuckoo tiny village.

“He is very sensitive about his birdhouses,” Ivanka said, “and I think we should all embrace the love and devotion he has towards such an honorable hobby. As a child, I was not even allowed to go near “Ye Ole Feather Village” because it meant so much to him. I think this reveals a more human side to my father, and I’m glad this is finally public knowledge.”

The birdhouses range from $200,000 to $1.1 million, and have been created by many different birdhouse architects from around the world.  As it turns out, most of the trips oversea for Trump were to inspect or purchase new pieces for his collection.

While the village is about the size of an NFL football field, Trump has a strict “No Bird” rule as to not damage his assets. They are kept in a large greenhouse, which the exterior needs to be cleaned regularly to clean off all the bird blood from those trying to access the feathered paradise. Many of these deceased birds are later cleaned and cooked for the illegal immigrants maintaining the village.

Since the village has now become public knowledge, Trump plans to no longer hide his obsession and expand his collection. There may even be plans of creating a museum out of it one day.

Trump’s First Easter Egg Roll a Failure; Obstacle Course Too Difficult for Children

President Trump Decided to Make This Year’s Egg Roll Reflect Today’s Standards

By Kennith Doglog

Easter Sunday this year saw President Trump carry out 139-year-old tradition of having children race around the White House lawn with eggs on wooden spoons for the adult’s sick amusement. However, this year was a bit different when Trump decided to update the game to align with his view of modern America.

Unlike other years where children dressed in their Easter best, picked up their favorite wooden spoon, and ran as fast as they could with the colorful egg they hard boiled and painted the night before, Trump decided to alter the rules a bit. The race was no longer a straight line to the finish, but rather an elaborate obstacle course. Additionally, the eggs were not to be hard boiled and the requirements were “white eggs only.” The spoons were to remain the same, however, because who doesn’t love a nice wooden spoon.

“We need these events to reflect what we are as a society,” Trump said. “I’m tired of all of these kids getting a trophy and eating their eggs for lunch because they can walk in a straight line. Anyone can walk in a straight line with a rock-hard egg, what’s so difficult about that? In the real-world eggs break, people throw dodge balls at you, and you might fall in a sandpit filled with toothpaste. The child who can get to the finish line with an unbroken egg in conditions like that will be the one who succeeds in life, and the others can do my laundry.”

As a result of the changes, the turnout was less than encouraging for the big white bunny. Trump seemed to be inattentive until the race began, and stopped watching when the boy he bet $50,000 on to win broke his egg after being smacked in the chest with a vodka-filled water balloon. No children finished the race, but they did learn a lot about what “Makes America Great.”

“Despite the turnout and no one finishing the race I thought the entire day was a success,” Trump said. “These kids are more prepared than they were this morning, and now the entire country knows that like isn’t just some walk in the park with an indestructible egg that you made to reflect your emotions. Life’s tough, it’s only getting tougher, and we as a nation need to be prepared. Happy Easter.”

Australia Comes to US Aid, Readies 5,000 Kangaroos for Deployment to Syria

Are Highly Trained Kangaroos the Next Super Soldiers?

By Kennith Doglog

While it seems that most are split on whether Trump’s strike on Syria was the appropriate way to react to the chemical weapons attack in the area, Australia has vocally praised Trump’s boldness and has readied 5,000 of their most fierce kangaroo solders to be deployed to the region at the US’s command if need be.

By escalating the conflict in Syria, Trump may find himself entering yet another war in the Middle East. While most of the battles fought in the area are based on recent technology such as drones or air attacks, Australia believes they may possess the key to modern warfare: highly trained, militant kangaroos.

Militant kangaroos are not a new thing for Australia. They idea began in the 1980s as part of the “Colonel Kangaroo” program in which the Australian Army and local scientists began breeding kangaroos and training them to replace police officers within the country. They quickly learned that he large marsupials are far too vicious of creatures to keep around civilians so they dropped the project for a few years.

In the late 1990’s the idea was brought back, but this time because of the declining numbers in the army. They soon realized that kangaroos were the perfect soldiers. With their ability reach speeds of over 35 miles in an hour and the ability to not only jump high distances, but cover 25 feet in a single leap, it is a wonder they did not start this program earlier.

The kangaroos were taught human boxing techniques and basic hand to hand combat from birth, and by the age of two had the ability to kill any human with their powerful kicks. Once they knew how to fight with nothing, the Australian army began to teach them how to shoot a gun and throw grenades, which they keep in their pouches.

In an attempt to avoid human right activist group protests, the Australian government has kept the new and improved “Major Kangaroo” project a secret until now, and with good reason. The final step for the kangaroo soldiers was implementing cameras on their heads and explosives deep into their pouches so if anything was to go wrong, a human soldier could see it at a safe remote location and choose to detonate the kangaroo at any time destroying everything within a 50-yard radius. 

The kangaroo soldiers have been ready to deploy since 2004, however since Australia is so far from everything they have not been in any major conflict and have not had to use them at all. With a possible war boiling in Syria, Australia has fully backed Trump and the US and is ready to deploy these marsupial super soldiers upon Trump’s command.

Trump Readies a Nomination of McDonalds Employee for Second Supreme Court Pick

Trump’s First True Act of “Draining the Swamp” Seems to be Agreeable

By Kennith Doglog

President Trump nominated Benjie Bellson, a 28-year-old community college dropout, to fill a vacancy on the supreme court should another one occur.

While Republicans are currently in the process of going “nuclear” and bypassing a Democrat filibuster, Trump wants to have a backup plan ready.  Democrats immediately met with the McDonalds drive-thru worker during a break in his shift, and after careful consideration decided he was the right candidate for the job.

Bellson has always been known by his friends and family to be the fairest. Growing up, when his two younger siblings were having an argument about who got the last piece of cake he was the first to establish the “one person cuts, the other picks” rule to make sure no one felt shorted. As he grew older, his friends would often come to him to solve arguments in sports, debates, and even about where to go to dinner, making him one of the most trusted young adults in the D.C. area.

When Trump finally moved his golden suitcases from his supervillain tower in NYC to the White House, one of the few things he refused to part with was the sweet nectar of McDonald’s secret sauce. He would demand that his limo go through the drive through at least six times a day, whether he was in it or not. When Trump rode through and spoke to Bellson, he always had a fresh Big Mac ready for the overweight president, and when Trump wasn’t there he made sure to give him something he’d never tried, but was within his palate.

“The kids got a good head on his shoulders, and I think that’s exactly what we need right now,” Trump said. “I mean, he knows me, I’d like to think I’ve gotten to know him, and I’d like to find a single Democrat who opposes him. When my secret service told him I needed to be on a diet, though I didn’t agree, he took some of those green leaves they put on a burger, deep fried them, threw in some of those little red ball things, and covered it with some of the secret sauce... magnificent. It was absolutely magnificent. I think everyone should go out and try it. If he can get me to enjoy my diet, he can fix America.”

When Democrats heard about this nomination, they jumped at the idea to make a fool out of Trump, yet again. However, after meeting Bellson they were confounded to find they completely agreed with Trump.

“He really does have a good head on his shoulders,” Senator Charles Schumer said. “When I asked him what a suitable alternative to a Big Mac would be he suggested a Fish Fillet. I would have never thought of something so outside the box. That is the kind of thinking we need in the Supreme Court. Besides, he’s a man of the people and way better than anyone else that lunatic is going to nominate. I just hope we can get to the point where we can vote him in.”

While Bellson may never see the robes he was promised by Trump in the McDonalds drive-thru at 7am, both Democrats and Trump himself are holding their breath to see if the rouge cashier will make his way to the big league.

Leaked: Fox News Job Description

Have You Ever Wondered What it Takes to Work at Fox News? Now You Know!

 

JOB DESCRIPTION: Fox News Anchor

 

Reports to:

Chief Executive Officer, or if that is too much too handle no one. That was a test and you already failed. A Fox News Anchor reports to no one, and apologizes for nothing.

 

Position Summary:

Fox News Anchors are responsible for telling stories and informing the general public on what they see fit to. The position is a 24/7, as the news never stops. Inciting race and gender wars are a must because sometimes good news needs to be made rather than found on its own.  

 

Responsibilities:

Ultimately the task is to report on what is going on in the world, or whatever bubble of the world you would like to force on to the public. You will, however, be expected to stir the pot every once in a while, to remain relevant. To do this you must:

-Dispute the Black Lives Matter Movement at all costs

-Sexually Harass anyone or anything that does not have a larger penis than you (if you are a female, just defend what others have done and sit on a couch)

-Deny any science unless it is useful for your motive

-Report on fictional: bombings, scandals about liberals, ideas that people are trying to take away your guns.

-Demand slavery wasn’t as bad as liberal snowflakes say it was

-Publicly offend transgender people

-Treat the bible as fact

-Dispute climate change

-Defend President Trump’s tweets

-Promote oil pipelines and the destruction of the Earth because it will obviously, all grow back

-Insult people with disabilities

-Kick a dog

-Dispute the theory of evolution

-Tell poor people to “stop being poor”

-Continue to argue that Obama is Muslim

-Constantly contradict yourself

 

Success Criteria:

In order to be successful at this job it is essential that your name stays relevant at all costs. You can tell stories about President Obama plotting to assassinate Trump with a crossbow on February 31st as long as people support what you are saying. Sexual harassment cases against you and inciting race wars is always a plus.

 

Experience and Education:

-Minimum of Kindergarten education required (Pre-K if good with blocks)

-Must have incited at least three race riots by now. Riots must have a minimum of five broken windows and seven people in the hospital

-Must have grabbed an unknowing female by the pussy at least once a year since 18 years old

-Have been involved in a physical altercation with someone about the existence of global warming

-Grown up white and affluent

-Have never said the words “I’m Sorry”

 

Skills Required:

Speak English

Outrage Grows After North Ikea Launches 500 Billy Bob Bookshelves into Gowanus Canal

Battling Ikeas Create Even More Tension For New Homeowners

By Philbert Sullivan

Among deepening tensions between the two competing Ikeas in New York City, outrage has grown after what has become referred to as North Ikea, launched 500 Billy Bob Bookshelves into the Gowanus Canal.

For some backstory, North Ikea opened in 1999 in Manhattan shortly after the original Ikea opened in New York City in Brooklyn in the summer of 1998. Tensions escalated quickly among the two rival Ikeas as competition heated up after the great recession. Prices of hot dogs and soft drinks were consistently dropping for months, to the point where South Ikea was actually giving away buns when customers walked into the store.

While both home to Ikea products North and South Ikea have become known for their individual distinctiveness. North Ikea is known for its inhumane treatment of workers, often making employees work 90 hours per week. Shortly after the great recession, North Ikea closed most of its doors and would not let employees transfer to South Ikea, even cutting most of its electricity off (Pictured above).

However, while South Ikea thrived in Brooklyn, the North grew more anxious and started accusing the south of many incredulous claims. These claims ranged from accusations that the South Brooklyn Ikea wanted to infect the North with its gentrification hipster culture to overthrowing North Ikeas regional manager Kimberly Jon, or how most of us in the media refer to her - Kim Jon.

Kim Jon has been known to have an aggressive temper, and Ikea employees across the globe often avoid her. While Ikea’s corporate headquarters has issued memos to Kim Jon that her store does not align with their corporate culture, she simply ignores them and continues to do what she wants. As a result, Ikea has decided to put her on watch until her sales begin to drop- which has somehow not happened yet despite the Ikea’s ill reputation.

Tensions have escalated up and down between North and South Ikea since 2008. However, the most recent provocation of North Ikea firing 500 Billy Bob Bookcases into the Gowanus canal, which borders Brooklyn has led to condemnation from a whole host of other furniture carrying outlets including Target, Wal-Mart and even the Home Depot. While the intimidation tactic has been noted, there has yet to be any known retaliation by the other furniture carriers just yet. Hopefully things will calm down, but we will see what happens.

After PBS Funding Cut, Mary Berry & Paul Hollywood Film Sex Tape to Raise Funds

Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood

Pledge Drive, More Like Sex Drive!

After more than six seasons on PBS, the famed Great British Baking Show is in danger of production after Trump cut PBS’s funding. While NPR and PBS usually host pledge drives on TV and the Radio, this year, because the funding cuts were so extreme, PBS decided to take it one step further. After a massive online petition, the shows two famed judges have come to the rescue. After scrapping the idea of doing a bake sale to raise the funds (because what is this high school in 2011!) the two have decided to do a sex tape after more than 189 Million British Pounds were pledged on a GoFundMe page.

Details of the proposed sex tape are scant, but their are going to be 3 acts set up in the same way as the show itself: The signature opening scene, technal middle scene and finally the showstopper. And of course the shows two famed hosts will be narrating, Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins. Also, in keeping in fashion with the show, the sex scene will be shot in a big white tent.

What has been hotly debated is what to call the sex tape. Some rumors have leaked saying it was going to be entitled, The Great British Sex Show, but online fans were up in arms or the lack of creativity so users have submitted their own. Highlights are below.

  • The Great British Fuck Show
  • Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry Bake it ALL Off
  • Eclairs, More Like SexClairs
  • Cream My Puffs

While of course this is not actually happening, we must fight and resist the Trump Budget cuts. So please, share this article and share this petition because while we don't expect Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood to do a sex tape we do need to draw attention to the dangerous cuts to PBS, NPR and the rest of the arts funding that Trump has pledged to slash, Thank You.

 

Rachel Maddow Hiding Out in Cave After Releasing Trump’s 2005 Tax Returns

The Trump Administration Has Been Unsuccessfully Tracking Her Since Late Tuesday Night

By Kennith Doglog

Following her tweet releasing President Trump’s 2005 tax returns, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow retreated to the hills when word got out that the Trump administration planned on tracking her and making a public display out of her going against the White House.

The controversy of Trump not releasing his tax returns has been discussed since the voters demanded that the public see them during the presidential primaries, however until now they have not been released at all. Almost immediately after Maddow released the tax returns, a memo was sent out around the White House that she be detained and made an example of. While the memo was unclear about what that meant, many are speculating it to be some sort of tar and feathering in the D.C. town square based on how many chickens were brought to the White House later that night.

Maddow hopped into her ’99 Subaru and fled as soon as she heard word of the private memo, telling only a few trusted colleagues of her whereabouts so they could restock her with cliff bars and green tea if need be. One of which happened to be her long time special event co-anchor Brian Williams.

“Honestly, I’d be surprised if they found her,” Williams said. “That Maddow is a crafty one. She’s been preparing for a moment like this for years, and has been putting 5% of her annual paycheck into decking out her hideout cave. It really is a nice cave, it’s got everything you need from a customized LA Lakers minifridge to those wonderful sharper image massage chairs. I’m not sure why she didn’t do this years ago.”

The Trump administration have assigned 1,200 National Guard members and a team of police dogs to search for her. Based on interrogations with friends and family they believe her to be somewhere either in the Blue Ridge or Rocky Mountains. They are considering bombing the mountains and just getting rid of her all together, while hopefully finding oil under them, however they have yet to come up with a distraction for the public to pull that off.

Maddow’s family expects her to be in hiding for well over three months, providing Trump does not give up before then. They are confident that she will not be found, as she started the “extreme hide ‘n’ seek” club at her college, and was the school champion for all four years. Her mother believes that there are still people looking for her at the old campus library, which does not bode well for Trump.

3 Million Arrested After Jeff Sessions Misunderstands the Term “Jaywalking”

Sessions’ Lack of City Lifestyle Has Finally Intersected with His Fear of Drug Use

By Philbert Sullivan

Between the month of January and March more than 3 million Americans across the country have been arrested after Attorney General Jeff Sessions became confused with the term “Jaywalking.” Both cops and pedestrians are perplexed about this increase in nonviolent crimes.

Being from a rural county in Alabama, Sessions had never heard of the term jaywalking before. He is used to crossing whatever road at any time he’d like as long as there wasn’t a tractor coming or Terry the violent goat wasn’t waiting for him on the other side. However, after hearing New York City Liberal Mayor Bill de Blasio address it on television, Sessions was sure the term had to do with smoking pot or a “Jay” as his son’s friends call it.  

This absurd law has led to more than 3 million arrests nationwide as local police forces been given incentives to follow this rule by the federal government. For every 15 jaywalking arrest each officer makes he receives a Cornish hen.

“Honestly, it’s like arresting people for having an actual “J.” It’s dumb law and distracting us from real crimes,” said Officer Charles Boxen of the Cincinnati Police Department, “but these hens are great. It’s like eating your own little chicken. If you get 60 people for crossing the street at the wrong time, you’ve got yourself a dinner for four.”

Some cities, such as New York, have started declaring themselves sanctuary cities and have vowed to not comply with Attorney General Sessions order to arrest jaywalkers. In these cities they have real problems, and can’t spend such time and effort on something as insignificant as someone crossing a street at the wrong time, or even smoking a “J.” This has led to outrage from President Trump.

“These jaywalkers are endangering our cities and have to be stopped,” Trump said in his prime time address to the nation. “Listen, I didn’t make the rule. I’ve never seen anyone do this personally, I’m not an animal who lives on the streets, but I’ve been told its bad. And if Jeff says it’s bad, it’s gotta be bad. Real bad. I mean, if 3 million people have already been arrested it’s an epidemic. If cops don’t want to stop an epidemic like this then they’re not real patriots, and we should take their badges.”

In response to the address multiple protests of people lying in crosswalks have broken out over the country while the fate of jaywalkers everywhere is still in limbo. If you plan on crossing a street in the coming months, you’d better be sure that you are in a crosswalk.

Ben Carson Advises US to Drop Healthcare Plan and Invest in Magicians

After Seeing a Casino Magician, the Secretary of HUD Rethinks Medicine

By Kennith Doglog

While Ben Carson may be one of the most well-known neurosurgeons of our time, he has decided to take the hundreds of years of medical advancements and throw them out the window after seeing a second-tier house magician this Wednesday at an Atlantic City casino.

In order to get Carson out of his fake hair this week, Trump decided to put him up to an all-inclusive week at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. Trump had become exhausted by bad press for his administration not created by himself, so he deported the one man he knew could stir up Washington as much as he could with a single sentence from the nation’s capital.

“After those immigrant remarks, I just couldn’t do it any longer,” Trump said. “It’s one thing to think things like that or say them to your pals in the locker room, but you don’t say them on national television. You just don’t. I like the guy, love the guy, but for now, he’s gotta go.”

Despite having all his meals at any restaurant in town paid for, courtesy of tax payers dollars, Carson spent most of his night at the $4.99 hotel buffet before wandering into the nearly empty magic show while looking for the bathroom. There he witnessed “Frank the Great” perform a set of tricks including pulling a rabbit out of a hat, sawing his assistant, the wonderful 13-year-old assistant Leslie, in half, and numerous card tricks often used by drunk uncles to confuse preschoolers on family vacations.

The highlight of the night, for Carson, was when Frank brought him on stage as a volunteer and used heavy duty scissors to cut a rope in half, then miraculously put it back together without tying a knot. Having never seen a magician before, Carson walked out of the tiny theater a changed man and decided that the dark arts would be the way of the future every aspect of human life starting with medicine.

“Listen, you don’t understand,” Carson said, “I watched this man, a mortal, pull a rabbit right out of a top hat. I looked into the hat before and after he did it, and yet the rabbit still appeared. People need to see what these sorcerers are capable of. If they can use their talents to make tiny creatures appear with no government funded assistance whatsoever, imagine if we invested in these people. Within five years we would have the cure for cancer, polio, and homosexuality.”

Carson was supposed to spend a full week at the New Jersey casino, but decided to come home early believing to be on a mission from God. While Trump was furious about the move, he still met with Carson early this morning as a show of good faith. It didn’t take long for Carson to convince Trump that magic was the way of the future, and the two decided to take what was left of the renewable energy budget and put it towards the dark arts.  

Trump Celebrates International Women’s Day… His Own Way

President Trump Has A Few Tricks Up His Sleeve to Honor the Gender That Explicitly Loathes Him  

By Kennith Doglog

With people across the globe celebrating International Women’s Day, it would only be fitting that the President of the United States went out of his way to applaud the sex he does not understand. While his own way of honoring women may not be what the world was looking for, at least baby steps are being taken today to show that he did not completely forget about half of the population.

Trump started the day with a Tweet which expressing his respect for all the women around the US, however fact checkers quickly determined this to be a lie. Thankfully, that is not all he has done today to credit the thousands who make his life easier each day.

The first plan of action for the poor souls in charge of handling Trump’s PR was to make sure that he did not touch any women without their consent. To do this, they inserted a chip into the back of his neck which electrified him whenever he was within five feet of a vagina. Within the first hour, however, Trump began to get turned on by the shocks and would get even closer to women than usual, so they took off the shock collar and directed a member of the secret service to spray him with a spray bottle whenever he broke the agreement.

The next move for the Trump administration was to delegate some of the more, disgusting, chores to men to give his female housekeepers a break. These chores included changing his bedpan, cleaning the Kentucky Fried Chicken stains out of his bed sheets, helping him get dressed since he cannot put his underwear on by himself, and chewing his food for him. After just four minutes of being in Trumps golden room before 7am, a record high of six male housekeepers resigned.

The final gift Trump gave to women on this day was actually an idea thought up by the President himself. Though his aids advised not to, when Trump has an idea there is nothing that can stop him from having it reach the public. In an active of giving, Trump declared that woman may have and do whatever they want with the planet Neptune.

“I mean, what more can I do today.” Trump said. “I’m literally giving a planet to women. Not a small one either, Neptune is big, it’s huge. I really shouldn’t be doing this at all. Do you know what Putin is going to say when he hears about this? But I don’t care. You know, I really shouldn’t be giving it away. But I am, and we’ll let them have the planet to do whatever they want with. They can have all the abortions and birth control they want there, free of charge, but the Earth still belongs to me.”

Biden, Not Obama, Responsible for Wiretapping Trump Towers

President Obama Had Nothing to do With Wiretapping, Biden is Not So Innocent

By Kennith Doglog

President Trump has been accusing President Obama of wiretapping Trump Towers prior to the 2016 election with zero evidence, a move that pushes him even further above the line of paranoid lunatic. However, recent leaks have revealed that Trump isn’t as insane about this one as he is about literally every other thing, as Vice-president Biden has been busted tappin’ those hot wires.

It was revealed earlier today that Biden was in fact behind wiretapping Trump Towers, and not only phones in the executive suites. Biden would take the Amtrak up late Friday nights to begin his work, suspiciously telling friends and loved ones that he was taking a late-night class on how ice cream was made. He would then dress up as a bus boy, sometimes even performing their duties bringing bags up to rooms in exchange for tips, and break into each room one by one until the entire building was tapped.

When asked about the allegations, Biden openly admitted it. He said it began as investigatory work to figure out where the little shampoo bottles came from, but then became much more.

“It turns out they get those little shampoo bottles from the basement,” Biden said, “but I’m still not sure where those mini liquor bottles come from. But seriously, it was all in good fun. I’ve always kind of wanted to be a spy and do something that got my hands dirty, so when I saw how bad Trump was at keeping people out of places I just went for it. I feel like a white James Bond.”

Biden believes that this experience has changed him as a person, and has even considered buying a motorcycle and loitering out his local dry cleaner. In regards to the wiretapping issue, despite having his phone tapped for months, the only thing he learned about Trump is the fact that he always requests “those tiny lobster forks” instead of the regular ones for his meals.

Biden will not face any charges for his actions, as having to ride Amtrak and not discovering where the tiny liquor bottles comes from seems to be punishment enough to the Trump administration. With the leftover wire, Biden plans on making a sculpture depicting Obama holding a baby deer as a tribute to his good nature and love for Disney’s “Bambi.”

Jeff Sessions’ Session IPA Not Actually an IPA at All

The Current Attorney General Tried Passing Off Russian Vodka as An American IPA

By Kennith Doglog

With recent news of the current Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, lying about speaking with Russia during his confirmation hearing, a deeper look finds he has lied about more than just speaking with Russians. He has also worked with them to create his patented Sessions’ Session IPA.

Sessions’ Session IPA has been sweeping the country with a thick bite and the draw that only two of the beers will get you so wasted that you can’t drive a tractor. The Attorney General has boasted endlessly that his beer is the best beverage to come out of Alabama since Old Man Wittney’s Peach Moonshine Mix, and is made from fresh, American hops picked by legal workers. However, recent leaks and an investigation by the Brewers Association of America has concluded that it is not beer at all.

“After two sips I knew it wasn’t an IPA at all,” Larry Chase, Secretary/Treasurer of the Beer Association, said. “Only an idiot would think that this clearly brown vodka could pass off as beer. I’m insulted that someone would try and pass this off as anything but cheap liquor.”

It is clear that Chase deserves the title he holds, as recent leaks revealed that the beverage is in fact vodka made by potatoes imported from St. Petersburg. Sessions has been having potatoes imported from Russia since early 2015, and has even been quoted attacking the quality of home grown, good ole Idaho potatoes.

He began by making his vodka in his downstairs bathroom after hearing you could make gin in a bathtub. Soon he was sharing his soapy beverage with neighbors and colleagues, who believed it to be a poorly made beer which got you very drunk, and they encouraged him to start selling it. Within a year, the Sessions’ Session IPA was sold in more than twenty states.

The lies told by Sessions have been popping up like the potatoes grown by his Russian associates, and top Democrats and GOP members have been asking him to step down as Attorney General. This week the coalition has also spilled over to the Beer Association, and they joined in and demand that he step down. They make a good point that anyone who lies about something as serious as a session IPA cannot be trusted as Attorney General.

Trump Accidently Invites Trained Seal to Whitehouse for SOTU

In an Unfortunate Mix-Up, A Live Seal Was Brought to the SOTU Rather Than Anticipated NAVY SEAL

By Kennith Doglog

To say that President Trump’s first month in office was a bit rocky would be a nonsensical understatement, and things just seem to be getting worse for the administration (as well as the country) as the president’s team accidentally invited a live seal to the State of the Union Address rather than the intended NAVY SEAL.

The stage was set for Trump’s first public speech since his inauguration. Republicans were getting prepared to sit, then stand, then sit, then stand as their hands grew raw from clapping for hours while everyone else braced themselves to get through the night as if it were the yearly required visit to Great-Aunt Darcy’s retirement home to stay in the will. Everything seemed to be in place, until one of the guests of honor to be featured in Trump’s speech showed up: Lieutenant Dan.

While it is unclear who is to blame for the confusion, it is certain that someone will be fired for this horrific blunder. Lt. Dan Caspian, a NAVY SEAL, was to be honored by President Trump towards the end of his speech. However, just minutes before the speech was about to begin, a large tractor trailer from SeaWorld arrived containing a tank with one of their hottest attractions: a feisty seal named Lt. Dan.

“The entire thing is just a haze,” said Jared Licksmere, a member of Trump’s team designated to help oversee guest relations for the SOTU. “There were a few obvious warning signs. The excessive amount of water and buckets of dead fish requested by the Lieutenant were definitely the big ones. When his secretary asked if he would be required to do any stunts, everyone thought it was odd but just assumed that he would be doing some sort of NAVY SEAL skills boot camp run through or something.”

SeaWorld was delighted and astonished to have Trump honor one of their main attractions in his speech, so to ease the blow when they found out that they did not in fact want him anywhere near the joint Congress Trump agreed to take a few pictures with the wet lieutenant. He was then brought to the afterparty at the Marriot where members of Congress, both Democrats and Republicans alike, spent hours playing with him at their private pool party.   

Trump Plans Statue of Himself for Ellis Island

The Statue of Liberty May Soon Have a Toupee Wearing, Overweight Mate to Look At

By Kennith Doglog

President Trump has recently been toying with the idea of adding a new tourist attraction to the New York Harbor with a statue the modern American success story: a fat, uneducated balding man who has coasted through life getting everything he’s ever wanted without question or thinking of anyone else, or himself.

The Trump administration has released a two year, $25 billion-dollar plan to build an enormous gold statue of the current president giving a thumb up to incoming tourists. The plan will be to build the statue on what is currently Ellis Island, for the Trump team feels the space is being wasted as there have never actually been immigrants that came to this country. Once completed Ellis Island will be renamed Trump Island.

The statue will be nearly three stories larger than the Statue of Liberty when finished, facing the same way she does, and will be giving a thumb up to the world with one hand and secretly flipping off the Statue of Liberty with the other. The architect will use a picture of Trump from the 1980’s to base the statue off of in an attempt to preserve the hopeful youth of the deranged tyrant.

“If we’re going to get this done soon, we’d better start now,” Trump said. “It’s going to be huge. You know those giant weirdo cat statues the pharaohs would build of themselves in Egypt, I’m thinking that but bigger with more gold. We have the money to do it, the people have told me they wanted it done, we’re going to do it.”

Surprisingly to some, the feedback has not been too negative on the idea. While no one is happy with the thought of spending such a large amount of tax payer money for something so frivolous and absurd, people are simply happy that those funds are not going towards destroying more of the country or on some pointless war we should not be in.

“Honestly it could be much worse,” Harold Hoode, a tired New York local, said. “I mean we should just humor him for a bit and let him waste all of his energy on stupid projects like this. He’ll get tired of being the president eventually, and then we can just edit the statue to make it look like George Washington or something. Sure, we’ll lose a chunk of our country’s history on Ellis Island, but it’s actually probably the best idea he’s had.”

Trump plans to start building the statue early May 2017, and demanded that the job is finished before he is inevitably exiled from the country in 2019. Many contractors are excited at the jobs it will bring, however leaked tapes reveal Trump stating that he will not pay them until the statue is finished and then never actually pay them, insisting they did not do a good job on it.

New Planets for Pruitt to Destroy Discovered

Since the Discovery of Trappist-1, Pruitt has Already Claimed Three of the Planets for Oil Companies

By Kennith Doglog

NASA scientist’s telescope recently revealed a large batch of Earth-sized, potential habitable planets around a single star, and within hours of the discovery EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt called “dibs” on the three largest ones for oil companies to drill.

While not much is known about the seven Earth-sized planets, it is possible that all seven could have liquid water possible for life. To most this means a galaxy of different possibilities from alien encounters to space diamonds to potentially finding a new home once our planet is destroyed by the Trump administration. However, the possibility of water also means the possibility of oil, and that is an opportunity Pruitt will not let slip through his fingers.

“I have only claimed three of these planets for American oil,” Pruitt said. “That leaves four other planets that the tree-huggers can have to smoke pot and play hacky sack. However, if it turns out that any of those smaller planets have oil we also claim them for Democracy and American idealism”

While most people simply laugh about the idea that Pruitt has claimed ownership of planets that he will never make it to in his lifetime or may already have owners, it is certainly something that should not be taken lightly. Scientists are outraged at the idea that a person who spends more time destroying our planet than raising his children has unrightfully claimed another planet to devastate.

“We will not stand for this,” Gerald Lowell, a scientist at NASA, said. “Pruitt has already done so much to this planet that it is physically impossible for us to save it. We will not allow him to conquer and destroy what hope we have left for the human species. It is time to fight back, and make negative T-shirts about him.”

Darren Woods, current CEO of ExxonMobil, was surprised to see Pruitt said he claimed three planets for oil companies. Woods believed the deal to be oil companies would receive two planets, while Pruitt would keep one for himself.

“It has always been a dream for Scott (Pruitt) to rule a cowboy-themed world,” Woods said. “Anytime I’ve been to his house we were forced to wear assless chaps, cowboy boots, and a ten-gallon hat. He always talked about how much simpler life would be if everyone was a cowboy, so when these planets were announced I assumed that was his plan for one of them. He even has a vintage sheriff costume he would break out once drunk and demand people do what he said and call him sheriff. If I were a betting man, I’d say there will be horses, not oil pipelines, on the largest planet discovered.”

Trump Drops Wall Idea, Moves to Building Super Umbrella

Trumps New Initiative Focuses on Eliminating Sunshine for the Continental US

By Kennith Doglog

The days of sitting on the beach, reading your favorite book, and absorbing the sunlight may be limited. President Trump has decided to use the funds allocated to building the wall on the border of the US and Mexico to create a giant “super umbrella” that will block sunlight from shining on the continental United States.

While people used to argue about the positives and negatives of having a useless wall draped across the US/Mexico border, there seems to be very few people fighting for Trump’s new plan to shield the US from sunlight. While the news has not gone mainstream just yet as the president can apparently choose what he would like the public to know and not know, many small groups have already begun to develop to fight this supervillain-like idea. It may in fact be the one thing that finally brings the entire country together.

While few in Trump’s own administration support this, those who do are the pale, white old men who are often found yelling at said sun on a typical Spring day. Their argument is that too much sunlight will cause people to be too happy and distracted, thus limiting the amount of work “those cogs” can achieve in a single day.

Those in support have also pointed out the fact that parts of Alaska operate without sunlight for nearly three months and they are doing just fine. They say that this initiative will begin a rebirth of American wildlife starting with the Woolly Mammoth

While this information has not yet been leaked to the public, and there has not been an official press conference on the matter, a security tape has leaked from the White House featuring Trump arguing the topic with an unknown man:

 

Trump: I’m preventing cancer, can’t you see this? You know how many people get skin cancer from that big thing? Hundreds, thousands, millions. Billions of people every year are getting skin cancer, and maybe even breast cancer, I don’t know, from this prehistoric ball of fire in the sky. I’m just trying to bring the country into the future and save lives.

Unknown Man: But what you’re doing won’t save lives, it’ll probably end up hurting people. There are simply ways to prevent skin cancer already without spending taxpayers’ money on a giant umbrella.

Trump: You’re wrong, just wrong. I don’t have to listen to you. I’m the president. I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make it illegal to feed babies. Would you like that? Because it would be your fault if no baby had dinner tomorrow night.

New Trump Immigration Policy Targets Human, Animals, and Foreign Minerals

It’s Not Just Humans Making Their Way Across Our Border, and Trump Has Had Enough

By Kennith Doglog

With President Trump setting new guidelines that greatly increase the number of people targeted for immigration, a closer look at the legislation exposes harsher immigration policy on not only humans, but also for foreign animals that have recently crossed the border illegally.

It is well known that Trump does not get along with birds, lizards, people, and Mother Earth in general. However, until recently he has not directly attempted to rid our country of natural wonders which makes our nation so beautiful. Unbeknownst to most, the new immigration policy under Trump contains a clause which focuses on creating a team to rid the southwest of any foreign animals.

“It’s ridiculous if you really think about it,” Trump said. “These foreign birds are coming over here, illegally, drinking our bird’s water, flying in our air space, and living in our beautifully crafted bird houses. Listen, I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking, and these birds need to go. They’re even getting involved in our politics. You see that bird that bird that flew to (Senator) Sanders during one of his rallies. Socialist spy. That’s what it was, and I’m tired of it. They’re poisoning our great country, and it needs to stop. ”

Trump plans on releasing a team of border patrol agents with bean bag rifles to shoot down the birds flying in our airspace illegally. When it comes to foreign amphibians and mammals he has not quite figured out what to do yet, but he has been quoted saying it will have something to do with “a big hose.”

Additionally, Trump seems concerned with foreign geology. While most people would not care, or even think about, foreign boulders and rocks entering our country illegally, Trump is not like most people. He believes the Mexican government has been slowly leaving them inside our border to prevent Trump from building more hotels in the southwest. He plans on catapulting every single one back across the border as soon as the wall is finished being built.

When asked why this is such a pressing issue Trump stated that what he is doing will actually solve every problem the United States has had and will ever face. He believes that ridding the southwest of foreign animals and boulders will solve of our environment issues, which in turn will create a domino effect solving other issues, so he can just sit back and relax playing golf for the remainder of his term.

Trump Schedules a Campaign Rally for Every Weekend Until 2020

With His First Rally as President Being Such a Hit, Trump Has No Desire to Stop

By Kennith Doglog

Following his “successful” campaign rally at the AeroMod International hanger at Orlando Melbourne International Airport on February 18, 2017 (Yes, 2017), President Trump has decided that he will host a campaign rally every Saturday until he is guaranteed a victory in the 2028 presidential election.

While it does seem a bit unorthodox for a newly elected president to hold a campaign rally just a month after being sworn in, Trump has found no problems with it and even has begun denouncing his fictional rivals. Rather than simply going after the Democratic party as a whole, the Trump team has been concocting a list of who they think they will be facing in 2020. This list includes an array of people, both real and made up, from Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren to Ronald McDonald and Holden Caulfield. The plan is to slander each name on the extensive list at least a dozen times by the 2020 election.

Insiders on the Trump administration have said that the purpose of these rallies is to get the public prepared to be seeing the Trump name until well into 2032. While it is illegal for a president to run for more than two terms, Trump believes that the law is simply the liberal media lying to keep him out of power.

“It’s all a big lie,” Trump said. “This is exactly what those fake news sources want you to believe. I can, and will, be president until the day that I die. I mean, who are you gonna believe- some lunatic running around with a camera saying the ice caps are melting, or the President of the United States? If you didn’t say the president we’re going to know, and you’re going to regret it. I’ll tell you that much.”

When asked why he felt he could spend so much time on campaign rallies rather than running the country, he simply stated that it’s already screwed and there is nothing for him to do. He plans on spending his weekends playing golf and drinking Pina Coladas by the pool of whatever hotel he feels the tax payers would like him to enjoy before his campaign rallies, and the weekdays will be devoted to getting into Twitter fights with 8-year-old cancer patients.